TL-DR Dept. - Kwai Chang Does A Drive-In Double Feature!

Kwai Chang [SWELL TRADING CARD AT LEFT! - ED.] inked this movie review in a '49 Nash at his World Famous Seamonkey Drive-In Movie Farm© at Pickledish, MT.

Sea Foam And The Body Of Christ

Move over Alejandro Jodorowsky!

The director of El Topo and The Holy Mountain says a good movie actually affects the viewer to a degree that he/she exits the theater afterward...a changed/different person. But, what about a movie that leaves the viewer in need of repair?

Thankfully, very few such productions have ever entered my cognizance. Surely, the world today is so desensitized that perhaps nothing can infiltrate the senses. However, there was a cultural point in time that everyone was a bit delicate and we could be neglectful and careless when heading to the local walk-in cinema to escape into a double feature matinee for reduced prices and plenty of sunlight to emerge into afterward. I'll never forget begging my parents to take me to the local cinema in 1970 to see a double feature: The Cry Of The Banshee(Vincent Price) and the 2nd billing The House That Screamed(La Residencia). There was no reason to deny me...however their plans were such that they would not be able to pick me up afterward. It was a Friday night and they insisted that my younger brother accompany me AND that after the showing we would walk to our grandmother's house which was two blocks from the theater. All I remember is that I was so frightened by the movies that we walked down the middle of the street(s) because I was terrified to walk next to the parked cars. My brother was 8 years old...I was 10. He clung to my arm the whole way and I didn't mind...I would have insisted on it anyway. That was the longest walk of my life.

So, imagine my astonishment to find two movies on a website that both seemed to harken back to the zenith of the matinee era. Their respective synopses seemed to compliment each other beautifully and I would be in my own living room without need of transportation. The first title was The World's Greatest Sinner (1962). It follows the plight of a disgruntled insurance salesman's political aspirations that snowball into a religious desperation and beyond into a vortex of egotism and reflection. Things happen too quickly for his own comprehension and soon he's playing poker with God in a game of high stakes and NO limit to the ante. It seemed harmless enough as introspection can do funny things to anyone's pursuit of it. But, that didn't prepare me for what I witnessed in the brief 1 hour, 16 minute running time. Without giving away too much...the plot is enough to do the damage. And, the cinematography torques the images onto the psyche like a pneumatic impact driver with a complete disregard for balanced application. Thus, I found myself warped after viewing the movie...which seemed to last less than 20 minutes. Afterward, I realized there was no auto club that would provide the roadside assistance that I needed.

To be honest...I liked this movie. First off, it took me about 5 seconds to realize that I knew the main character from The Monkees HEAD movie("Don't never make fun of no cripples"). I have never seen the actor in ANY other production...but WAIT...who else IS in HEAD that we ALL know? Why it's Francis Vincent Zappa and wouldn't you know it, he is credited with the music("Zappa"). The hilarious part is that 3 names are credited to Lighting and I was sure that NO lighting was even used. Well, except for the last scene when an high intensity brightness overtakes the screen. The main character is played by Timothy Carey(from HEAD) who also wrote, directed, produced and distributed(?) the film although, the movie was never released until recently(Amazon Prime). More trivia: Zappa discussed his involvement in this production with Steve Allen when he guested on Allen's show with musical bicycle in tow! Apparently Frank said that it was the worst movie ever made. And bits and pieces of the soundtrack were actually released over various Zappa/Mothers albums ranging from Lumpy Gravy to Weasels, 200 Motels, Uncle Meat and beyond!

But, nevermind that hyperbole! The movie utilizes completely amateurish shots, angles, lighting(pure darkness), editing and every scene appears to have been filmed after a single dressed rehearsal in one take. The Sum Of The Parts Dept: It all adds up to a seriously disturbing exercise in genuine sacrilege and completely devoid of morals and ethic creating a non stop barrage of tastelessness that would give Freud, Jung, Nietzsche (et al) a serious scare in symbolism. I think the movie wasn't released for 50 years because of a startling scene whereby the main character(God Hilliard) smacks his daughter(a minor) to the floor. So despite the amateurish technique, the movie plays like the real thing. Sadly, I believe the occasional out-of-focus camera work robbed the viewer of some coherency since the long 'stripe' of snake slime that leads to his house and onward to his upstairs bedroom resembles a hose that would be included with a rented submersible pool pump. But that doesn't really spoil the plot. I had predicted the ending would be Hilliard petitioning God to prove his existence and when nothing happens...he swats the butterfly that had lit on his arm. That did NOT happen but what did happen was even more vile. Furthermore, Zappa fans are now obligated to viewing this as it hints at the Studio Z shenanigans that led to Frank's arrest for producing pornographic soundtracks in Cucamonga in the early 60's. So, there I sat...on my sofa...with a blown head-gasket and mayonnaise all over the dipstick. Sinner is a UNIQUE experience and I recommend it to everyone.

I hate discussing Religion with anyone but myself.
God Hilliard should never have asked for proof! Why?
Because God is an Atheist...
Let us now turn to the Book Of ACTS...(ahem...amen)

Second on the bill was an unknown slice of Americana entitled MONDO DAYTONA!

What a relief. There is a space/time elasticity that is also a characteristic of cinematography and this movie is overflowing with it. The World's Greatest Sinner had popcorned me across my living room and fortunately I was spared the not-so buttery landing of silverware on linoleum By MONDO DAYTONA. This movie reached out like a time machine with a Paxton supercharger bolted to the intake manifold and I landed back on Earth like a dreamer into a field of poppies. The movie is a beautiful exercise in nostalgia that almost made me think Bruce Brown(Endless Summer/On Any Sunday) was trying to make Summer last from 1966 to 1968. While I really wanted to see Grand Funk, I was treated to a very thorough overview of vintage sunglasses and classic cars driving on the salt-water playing field of Daytona Beach. I lived in Florida from 1973-1976 and visited Daytona Beach as a 16 year old. Let me tell you, things were already different and this homage to the glory days had already been decorated by less(is more) bikini fabric and no balcony diving. It only takes one Spring 'break' to put the E-brake on such carefree approaches to life. So, it was an very innocent tour of memory mythology and(thankfully) no mention of the race track. Heck, this movie even preceded SPF sun screen and the Paisley shirt worn by Freddie Weller(later of Paul Revere And The Raiders) was about the closest the festivities came to any kind of mishap...except, perhaps, an overtly high number of sun-poisoning distress calls. Coors in a tin can!?!?! Somebody was showing off. Coors wasn't even sold in Florida at that time. The only disappointment was that I didn't hear a single note from Mel Schacher's Fender Bass during the all-too-brief Grand Funk Railroad footage. Otherwise, there was lots of fine wool with an abundance of innocent attitude that is nowhere to be found today! E-Type Jaguar driving on the beach? Wow!

In the context of redemption...a beautiful way to be rescued from Sin! So, if you've got 3 hours to spare and some popcorn in the cupboard, HEAD to the matinee. Preferably, in the afternoon!

This post made possible through the generosity of the Lupine Assassin Foundation For Seamonkey Repair And Rehabilitation