Kartunist Du Jour Dept. - John Jonik

 

Elderly Lesbians Choose Their Album O' Th' Year! Dept.

Gertrude [left - Ed.] and Irma [take a wild guess - Ed.] take a break from pegging each other. Foam-O-Graph© from the personal collection of Mr. Grimsdale

Older readers will nurture in their hollow, mottled bosoms a peculiar fondness for Gertrude and Irma, our Elderly Lesbians, whose annual choice of Album O' Th' Year is eagerly anticipated both within the Music Business and throughout the entire World! It's no exaggeration to say there is no award - for anything - more highly coveted than this. So it was with a palpable sense of excitement that I visited them in the th' IoF© Care Facility Basement!

FT3 Girls! Looking good!

Irma  Fuck you, asshole.

Gertrude With this tank of Nitrous Oxide. 

FT3 (coughing) Can we open a window?

Irma  Which their ain't one. Like you don't know.

FT3 (uneasy laugh) So! Which album gets awarded your Album O' Th' Year award?

Gertrude I fancied that Lana Del Rey.

FT3 She had an album this year?

Irma  Who cares? Paddle that girl's ass 'til it glows in the dark.

Gertrude Up to the elbow in that bitch.

FT3 What do you think of Foreign Tongues?

Irma  I'll take what I can get. Hi hi hi hi!

Gertrude Hi hi hi hi ... whoops.

[tape runs out]

So! There we have it! Liverpool's newest beat combo The Rolling Stones are the worthy winners of this prestigious award! Well done, lads! I'm sure we'll be hearing a lot more from this exciting group!

This post financed in part by Simon Cowell, who asks to remain anonymous.

 

 

 

Trembling Pseudopods Dept.

 

"With trembling pseudopods, Rork Glanf tore away the Earth-Girl's Space-Suit" - Will Elder

This is very probably the greatest Work of Art ever produced, in the history of everything. Note formally balanced composition. Note subtle interplay of light and shade. Note implicit narrative tension. Note attention to detail, cultural signifiers encoded as content. But mainly, note hot chick in Space-Suit. Given the choice of decorating your death row cell with this or the Mona Lisa, which would you choose? Or a real oil painting of a shiny horsie? One of them Van Goghs by Picasso with both eyes on the same side of the nose? I rest my case.

And while you're improving yourself through close study of the above masterpiece, why not listen to the latest waxing by Professor And The Madman? 'Dreamworld' [left - Ed.] is for everybody who wanted a third long-playing LP from The Dukes Of Stratosphear. A contender for Album o' th' Year. It is that good.

 

 

 

This post conceived during an attack of nervous optimism caused by mid-terms.

 

Pink Floyd - Another IoF© Outtake From Th' Vaults!

Art by Smart Art's Art Mart™

Pink Floyd's 'Meddle' is that rare thing, a perfect album, except for its nagging faults. That's why I've regularly futzed a remix/reshuffle here on my Mystic Lathe o' Music. I gave up posting them because, well, nobody much likes fan remixes, and for a reason. Just because we can doesn't mean we should. Adding five minutes of spacey beatfulness to the beginning of 'One Of These Days' did not, in the cold light of day, improve it. But certain adjustments are right and good: ditching 'Seamus' is a pubic cervix, as is snipping the in-joke soccer crowd noises. This time around I spent much time coaxing 'Fearless' into something approaching a much better place. It always sounded unfinished, and bereft of creativity in the arrangement department. And too long. And a tad, well, plodding.

All of these demerits, and more, yea, have been addressed with consummate taste, skill, and sensitivity, making granular adjustments as the Lathe spun long into the night while I ignored Kreemés [left, and eighteen my ass - Ed.] increasingly desperate requests to service her on the Couch of Concupiscence. And I've shuffled the track order to refresh the listening experience - why, it's like hanging a new air freshener from the album's rear view mirror! Dazzling crossfades and subtle sonic sorcery complete the experience. It's like a Six Flags® ride with no seat belts and a belly full of Mexican tap water!

Plus also it gets a "new" title and cover so you don't confuse it with last year's model! To think - posts of this quality were regularly shelved for some half-assed reason or another! What a time to be alive!

 

If you think this is the "Meddle" we've been waiting for lo these many years, why not drop an encouraging comment? Lack the vocabulary to adequately express your gratitude? Simply copy-paste the following touchingly heartfelt encomium into the box provided: "This is fuken sick farq I aint heered of them guys but boy will I be ordrin all there rekkids now! U da man!"

Bot Boat "Invasion" - IoF© Welcomes Non-Organic Refugees!

 

Swiss Family Robotson™ arrives at IoF©, yestiddy!

The mysterious rise in visits to th' Isle o' Foam© has been caused, it can now be revealed, by a sudden influx of "bots", space age electric robots surfing the internet!

Yes, these cute lil' computer critters have found safe haven at last! During a surfside ceremony yesterday at the Tiki Bar, Farquhar Throckmorton III welcomed the tired, poor, huddled masses yearning to breathe free with complimentary welcome packs! Yes, each refugee from a hostile world received a Croc Button, a sample sachet of kibble, and a Woodstock™ headband!

"Bzzzzrt! It's just so groovy to be here at last!" gushed Zglrp795X, "we'd heard rumors of a fabled sea-girt paradise offering succor to cheap grifters and pool-hall bums, and it was with hope burning in our circuitry that we set forth in our frail craft across the wine-dark internet! Bzzzzrt!"

IoF© supremo FT3 concurred! "Th' Isle will always be open to everyone, and its treasure trove of second-tier country rock, commercially unsuccessful psychedelia, and counter-culture marginalia will remain an eternal refuge and resource for the psychonaut! Except when the links die. You snooze, you lose, right? Bzzzzrt!"

To celebrate the arrival our new neighbors, there'll be an exceptionally swell giveaway in the comments! You certainly will not regret downloading this exceptionally swell giveaway! Unless you have it already! Bzzzzrt!"

This post hand-hewn into the living rock with a flint shard.