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| Clarence Pune [left - Ed.] resolving telecommunications issues with "John", yesterday (©Foam-O-Graph) |
I don’t know [confesses Clarence Pune - Ed.] about where you live, but in Vancouver [Capital of Canadia - Ed.] I can usually expect a couple of landline phone scams a day.
The set-up call is most often from a tobacco-voiced woman who tries to alarm me that VISA is charging me for a new I-Phone or Amazon has pilfered me for something more alarming.
Press 1 to cancel.
Press 2 to allow.
I usually press one to engage and waste the time of a Mumbai-accented someone who identifies as John.
We would generally go through an attempt at credibility, then an exchange of fuck-offs which neither VISA nor Amazon would likely endorse.
It was good sport but got tiresome.
Then my dog chewed up a toy and left a little rubber bulb that -- when squeezed -- went MEEP MEEP.
Next scam call I went along with option 1 and then squeezed the MEEP MEEP bulb.
“What’s that?” John in Mumbai asked with some alarm.
“It’s the Pearlman algorhythmic bullshit detector.”
No scam calls for about a week, then a sort of tentative one.
I did it again.
A distressed gentleman from South Asia told me I was demoralizing his staff. I pointed out that he phoned me, I didn’t phone him, so fuck you very much.
MEEP MEEP!
As a tip - if you want to get through to (say) your bank on the phone and want to speak to a human being as soon as possible, ignore the automated "press zero" instructions altogether and just hang on the line. That recorded shit will run though a couple of times and you'll get picked up by a Real Person.
ReplyDeletethis is the worst tip i have ever been given. have you talked to a "human being" lately? `snuff the candle and curse the darkness. much more effective and satisfying.
Deletethe term "human being" is a slur.
It's just been overrated, is all.
Delete“It’s the Pearlman algorhythmic bullshit detector.” - Well played, Mr, Pune... Well played!
ReplyDeleteEvery once in a while, I get a from "Microsoft Windows Support" explaining that a virus has been detected on my computer, even though I've never actually owned a windows based computer, going all the way back to an Apple IIe (get off my lawn).
For the last couple of years, I get calls from "Matthew", "Mark", "Luke", and "John" (all with Punjabi accents) explaining that the warranty on my "vehicle" is about to expire. Sometimes, I play along, and at the very end after I agree to everything, I'll say: "Just one thing" and they'll say "What's that?", and I'll say "Right after you go fuck your mother". Being a Brooklyn girl, I can say this better than all of you could ever hope to (picture Barbra Streisand, another Babs from Brooklyn, saying it).
There are men - lonely, sad men - who pay good money to receive this-type phone call. I will email you the number of a friend.
DeleteIncluding "C.E.I." (I know what boys like), will run 100.00 US Dollars per minute, or, 3,330.00 Thai Baht, 76.70 British Pounds, 91.64 Euros, 137.14 Australian Dollars and 127.55 Canadian Dollars.
DeleteNot available to members (all puns intended) of the Russian Federation.
All major credit card accepted.
Long distance rates may apply.
Void where prohibited.
Some assembly required.
Batteries not included.
Cleveland Electric Illuminating?
DeleteThe Apple 11e, that takes me back. August 1983, being introduced to it on a training course at work. All previous experience of computers were big main frames, that we were too scared to touch. The lecturer instructed us to remove the big tv from the top of the Apple and reach behind, unclip the top lid and look inside. The only thing there was a little pcb, and acres (exaggeratedly large area for younger listeners) of empty space, so nothing to be scared of there. It was like opening the bonnet on a moggy thousand (motor car,for younger listeners.
DeleteThen we were presented with Visicalc (first spreadsheet for younger listeners) and I've never got away from the damned things from that day forth.
Still got an Apple 11GS (computer that came after 11e for younger listeners) in the loft, complete with 5.25 disk drive and Appleworks.
It is almost heart-warming to know that this kind of intrusive nuisance bollocks, a sort of cluster of horrible pimples on Globalisation's ugly sagging arse, is getting piped into countries other than the UK. It's up there with Adele, mangled English praise from scammers in blog comments, porno popups and Ukrainian labs developing "shampoo" for the Pentagon.
ReplyDelete"Ukrainian labs developing "shampoo" for the Pentagon."
DeleteAnd here I was wondering who, outside of Russia, Putin's propaganda was for...
Of course, Russia also isn't invading anyone, as their minister for foreign affairs just assured us, they're on a humanitarian mission to save suffering compatriots from drug-using Nazis...
You don't have to think the Russians are ever-honest heroic cuddly sorts to be wary of the NATO narrative.
DeleteThat's no doubt true. But this is a little too close for my personal tastes to go along with Putin's fabricated bullshit. And if you go along with one part of that, where do you draw the line...?!
DeleteAlso, I personally don't get the whole "NATO" narrative thing. Or, even worse, Putin apologists who insist that "he had no choice" and "really, it's the fault of the West/NATO/the U.S.". That is the exact "perpetrator becomes the victim" game Putin has been selling his people for years.
That's strictly and 100 % no buys from me, but hey, it seems, somebody's gotta buy it, I guess...
Oofff ... Adele.
DeleteVoice-"Hello, this is Microsoft, we have detected a virus on your computer"
ReplyDeleteMe - "OMG, No, this is terrible, is there something I can download from your website to fix this please"
At this point I started laughing
Voice - CLICK.
They have never called back.
You've lost a friend. I hope you're happy.
DeleteLove the advice you gave - "ignore the automated "press zero" instructions "
ReplyDeleteI can't wait to try that.
Cold calls have really improved my ability to swear in French.
ReplyDeleteHowever, so far, no one's asked me,"Embrassez-vous votre mère avec cette sale bouche?"
Anyone else notice how Clar is a real slum landlord when it comes to his own pieces? Sets 'em up, using cheapest possible materials, and walks away.
ReplyDeleteMeep Meep...
DeleteI just ask the caller if he's accepted Jesus as his personal savior.
ReplyDelete... and pray he doesn't say yes.
DeleteIf the caller speaks good English (and many do), I will stop them, and very kindly suggest that with their skills they really could get a proper job, instead of wasting both of our times. Then if they haven't hung up, say that they should quickly hang up, because my Tourettes is about to start.
ReplyDeleteAnother method, which I used to enjoy - interupt their spiel with something along these lines:
ReplyDelete"Can I just say you have a great technique? You're reading from a script, right? I used to do this, but you're really smooth, natural-sounding. I could never manage that, I always sounded tired, like I didn't give a fuck? You actually sound like you care! You're awesome, dude!"
The thing is, just keep going, don't let them back in. I'd get into the mess my life was, divorce, living in my car ... on and on ...
I'm sure they get told to "Fuck off" all the time, but actually talking at them seems only fair, and if they can't get a word in, well they're the ones that will hang up.
ReplyDelete