Monday, December 6, 2021

Pope Blesses Jock Ewing's "Miracle" Jockstrap Dept.

Sanctified Foam-O-Graph© on loan from Vatican Gift Shop

You'll know grizzled, crusty patriarch Jock Ewing for hosting annual <wtf>Owl Barns Bowl</wtf> at prestigious Dallas Four Seasons Landscaping car park - but did you know he also curates IoF©'s own Turin Shroud?

Hauntingly lifelike 3D image of REDACTED transubstantiated mystically into humble athletic support, drawing thousands to IoF©'s luxurious Pilgrim Motel N' Massage Resort™. " REDACTED will lead us true faithful Keepers Of The Holy Jockstrap to GODWORLD®!" averred Enis Thousands (61) yesterday. "In a limo!" added wife LaBrea (14), "wit' like, cup holders an' shit."

In rare visit to our shores, His Popeness Frankie Goestohollywood I blesses Holy Relic, held aloft by grizzled, crusty Jock Ewing, during awe-inspiring surfside ceremony. That benediction in full:

"Lorem ipsum dolor sit amet, consectetuer adipiscing ballbag. Aenean commodo lingula eget smegmatis. Anus massa. Cum sociis fuckity-fuckface penetratibus et magnis dis prurientis mingeamus, nascetur ridiculus shitpost. Donec quam felis, ultricies asswipæ, pellentesque eu, pretium masturbatius, sementia. Nulla consequat pudendamis squirtus magnificat. Trailerparcet jailbaitius justo, frottageus transporto publicus, goatse nec, voluputate tumescentia, bueno. In nomine padre, Alfredus E. Neumanet, complaintus venerealis, rimjob ad astra. L.O.L."

Recognise popular recording star manifesting liturgically on Jock's grizzled, crusty strap, leave clew, allusion or hint as to identity in comment, win seat in limo to GODWORLD®! Name artiste directly, go straight to hell, rag-head!


(Garner xtry FoamPoint™ for mansplaining "Owl Barns Bowl"!)




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28 comments:

  1. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 6, 2021 at 1:16 AM

    Satire? I'd like to point out that this piece presents as credible a basis for organised religion as any.

    You're going to have difficulty naming that shantoozy, I think, so tell us your favorite/least favorite M*A*S*H characters. Moi: favorite, Frank. Least favorite: Rev. Mulcahey,

    ReplyDelete
  2. One Buck GuyDecember 6, 2021 at 3:00 AM

    Never watched M.A.S.H. (the series) and can't remember much about the Altman flick (besides "Suicide is Painless" and "Hot Lips, was it?

    So I'd rather tell you that yesterday I watched The Princess Bride to see what I missed all those years since it is supposed to be this cult classic...well, no, I still don't get it. It's mildly entertaining I guess, but some of the comedy is just grating, the romance doesn't work and the flick starts out ok but gets worse as it goes on. Not great, Tom.

    Oh, the shantoozy, that's a doozy, I'll just take a flyer on it and say France Gall.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 6, 2021 at 6:33 AM

    It's not Joni. Much, much less consequential, although she did win a cagefight here once ...

    ReplyDelete
  4. BabsDecember 6, 2021 at 7:49 AM

    Two people come to mind:
    1. Clew: Rob Peter to....
    2. Clew: a certain spider sat down beside her

    As for M*A*S*H

    Book
    Favorite: "Hawkeye" Pierce
    Least Favorite: Captain Leverett Russell

    Film
    Favorite: "Trapper" John McIntyre
    Least Favorite: "Ugly John" Black

    TV Series (my least favorite version)
    Favorite: Henry Blake
    Least Favorite: BJ

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 6, 2021 at 8:07 AM

      If you're clewing Linda McC and Carly Simon, neither is on the money. This chantoozy makes Astrud Gilberto sound like Etta James.

      Gee - you sure are a M*A*S*H ophile! There was a book? Who knew?

      Delete
    2. BabsDecember 6, 2021 at 8:17 AM

      I'm not clewing Linda McC and Carly Simon. It was a Folkie and a Frog.

      Delete
    3. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 6, 2021 at 8:22 AM

      Brilliant! Babs regains her place on the winner's podium!

      Delete
    4. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 6, 2021 at 8:39 AM

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w8IOKKG_PAQ

      Delete
    5. GaryDecember 8, 2021 at 12:57 AM

      And a sequel 'M.A.S.H. goes to Maine'

      Delete
  5. rickDecember 6, 2021 at 8:12 AM

    never watched MASHtv, don't really recall the film much/ dig ''catch 22' a bunch though book and film

    ReplyDelete
  6. iamjethroDecember 6, 2021 at 8:23 AM

    MASH - TV
    Fav- Sidney
    Least fav - Hawkeye

    Shantoozy shall remain in the shadows. Seen, but unknown by the masses.

    ReplyDelete
  7. BabsDecember 6, 2021 at 8:42 AM

    I'm speechless.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 6, 2021 at 8:44 AM

    This week's Grand Prize - which Babs just won - is the holiday of a lifetime in beautiful Bellmead, Texas! (AUD. GASPS) Yes, Babs will be treated like a queen at historic Trailer Court Motel, where a luxury single room has been pre-booked (remember to take your own padlock!). Babs will have use of motel water supply and (1) towel for the duration of her romantic whirlwind sojourn! Things to do in Bellmead include:
    - Staying inside
    - Buying gun
    And why not visit famed downtown landmark Meat Market (closed) Street? Take in the sights along Gut Canal from romantic slops barge! Choose from the many cable TV channels on offer (coin op only) or just browse through the leaflet in the office!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Eric S.December 7, 2021 at 4:56 AM

      Bellmead be part of the Baptist Metro Area (AKA Waco) with a lovely view of Chip & Joanna Gaines silos...Babs, help is nearby--we're not far down here in Austin. Fire the flare or put up the Babs Signal and we'll do our best, heathens though we may be. Don Farq, for shame, sending our hero to the heart of the fightin' Baptists there in whacko Waco.

      Delete
  9. A Fine Old English NoblemonDecember 6, 2021 at 9:13 AM

    Dear Mr 3,
    Further to my letter of a few pieces ago, I would just like to report to you on how my boy, Nobby (as he's known to his fiends) has been getting on, diligently completing his detention set by yourself "you must listen to the Dan repeatedly until you get them" and he informs me that he does rather like some of it. I think his words were "its a cracking side one, in old money, but not so keen on the second side, which seems a bit bland, but maybe it needs time to grow on you". Although he did mention the guitar on Reeling in the Yeast which he said sounded a lot "dirtier" than he remembered from the radio single, and was altogether very fine indeed.

    He is a bit shy, so has asked me to request if his next bit of detention is ready yet, as he is keen to investigate the Dan further. Although what you all find so interesting in this pop music, I will never know, thank god I'm living in the Dower House and don't have to put up with his unearthly racket.
    Toodle pip, old chum, yours ever,
    The Duchess

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 6, 2021 at 9:30 AM

      If you think this is bland, perhaps a Dan Diet is not right for you? Y'see, Nobster, we Dan Fans hear subtlety and even NUANCE OUT TH' ASS where you hear blandness, and it's a quality which tends to increase through their catalogue - sometimes the music and lyrics are so subtle they drown out the tunes, which are more in evidence on the first album than anywhere else.

      Might I suggest Woody Woodmansey's U-Boat?

      Delete
    2. BambiDecember 6, 2021 at 8:00 PM

      Farq in case you missed it (doubtful) I strongly recommend THE LOST GAUCHO STEELY DAN (link below), the first 39 minutes of attached youchewb are superb quality, the rest is horrible 5th gen cassette. Great to hear a very different Gaucho in progress. Only for completist Dan affishinardos.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=75lMiz6BSm4

      Delete
    3. One Buck GuyDecember 7, 2021 at 1:41 PM

      Bambi,

      Bb Chronicles (among other places) has an alt Gaucho album with a lot of this. Tough I imagine you know that...

      Delete
    4. BambiDecember 8, 2021 at 5:55 PM

      Yes thanks OBG, the good quality tracks are a great listen.

      Delete
  10. A Fine Old English NoblemonDecember 6, 2021 at 3:39 PM

    Hmmm, subtlety and nuance versus bland. OK I will go back to side 2 and give it a few more tries, there's got to be something there, I suppose. I'll just have to winkle it out, I mean would I have ever found Trio or The Talking Drum if I had stoped at Schitzoid Man?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BambiDecember 6, 2021 at 8:19 PM

      Hi Noblemon, if you like a bit of Crimson, check out this Unthanks version of Starless. Superb.
      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MTEqXH9dB2g

      Delete
    2. A Fine Old English NoblemonDecember 7, 2021 at 3:46 AM

      The best Starless I ever heard was on a live KC cdboxset The Great Deceiver which I had and then foolishly sold. Then I lost my digitised copy because I had an unbacked up hard disk crash... Anyway, if I remember correctly it had a violin solo instead of the sax solo at the end.


      Delete
    3. BambiDecember 7, 2021 at 6:08 PM

      I agree, the 1974 era of live Crimson is majestic, I really like some of their inprov pieces too. I saw the Unthanks playing it live a few years ago, their version was beautiful. I've booked to see The Unthanks again next year (hopefully). Also fingers crossed Crimson might do another European tour.

      Delete
  11. Eric S.December 7, 2021 at 4:59 AM

    Also, I--unlike Elizabeth Theranos--blinked, consarnit. Whadda I miss this time?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Farquhar Throckmorton IIIDecember 7, 2021 at 1:47 PM

    Owl Barns Bowl, anyone?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. BambiDecember 7, 2021 at 6:12 PM

      Is it the local dialect pronunciation? Thought not.

      Delete

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