Friday, September 17, 2021

Delta Del Dept. - Performance Tips For Seniors

Delta Del working on his buttclench, yestiddy.



Today [wheezes Delta Del - Ed.] I’d like to share some of the unique insights I’ve gained from a lifetime filled with live performances, some real, some imagined.  These are my Top Six Tips. They are aimed at the senior performer, who after a lifetime filled with live performances, may find that they have become a sad old man, alone in a cheap room, so very alone, with nobody to even tell them that IT’S OVER.  

Where was I?  Oh yes … tips.

TIP 1.  The Dark Star Diaper

Readers may remember the Dark Star Diaper brand from the late 60’s.  Designed by Jerry Garcia, (formerly) made in the U.S.A., this iconic [you - outside - Ed.] brand is back and more absorbent than ever.  I bought the name, and I’m re-launching the product as Delta Del’s Dark Star Diapers.  There aint nuthin worse than havin to leave the stage for a comfort break in mid jam.  Imagine for a moment that it’s 1968 and you’re Jerry.  Far out!  But barely 45 minutes into Dark Star and you’re busting for a slash, or maybe aching to drop the kids off at the pool.  Go right ahead!  Dark Star Diapers can handle it, and no-one closer than 10 feet will ever know!  That’s the Dark Star brand guarantee.  Your reputation is protected, and so are your white silk flares.  Play it loud, play it funky, play it safe with Delta Del’s Dark Star Diapers.  

TIP 2.  The Flare-Cooled Wah

Always wear boldly flared trousers and align your wah-wah pedal with the bassdrum.  Air moved by the pulsing drum will flap the loose-fitting leg material and act to cool arthritic ankle joints, and the over-worked wah itself.  Flappin flares may also fan or siphon air upwards, cooling the entire varicosed leg en route to a sweaty, diaper-clad private zone where the need for cooling and ventilation is acute.

TIP 3.  The Prompt Pit

Insist that every venue provide a prompt-pit, constructed to your specification and staffed by members of your entourage.  The stage must be reconfigured to allow installation of a pit, shielded from the audience, serving you essential medication, correct lyrics, motivational mantras, and a selection of performance drinks and energy snacks as specified on your rider.  

TIP 4.   The Maximised Monitor

Many of you will have seen ageing rock stars in classic pose with head thrown back and foot rested on a front-of-stage monitor speaker.  What you perhaps did not realise is that they were following Delta Del’s Dynamic Displacement exercise routine.  Ideal for the older rocker, my workout regime flexes and tensions various key muscle groups while you throw those essential stage shapes.  The pelvic thrust toward crowd with left foot on monitor … that’s Exercise 4 in the Late Starters Module.  The crowd swoons, and the sagging biceps femoris is toned to perfection.  There is no sadder sight than to see a mature lead guitarist pull up in mid-solo with a torn hamstring.  Don’t let it happen to you.  

TIP 5.  The Dome-a-delic Deerstalker

You’re a senior rocknroller, you suffer the curse of hair loss, and instinctively you reach for the trilby and shades.  Really?  Is that the best you can do?  Introducing Delta Del’s Dome-a-delic Deerstalker, a flexible, close-fitting, mirror-ball bonnet, with concealed hearing aids embedded in the ear flaps.  Impossible to detect, hard to ignore.  The Dome-a-delic comes with a miniaturised lighting-rig halo attachment.  The effect is at once mesmeric and profoundly disturbing.  Try one today.

TIP 6.  The Contact Shades

As the eyes fade, the senior guitarist may find that wearing shades onstage makes it rather tricky to make out certain essential details.  Like where front of stage ends and oblivion begins.  Ever conscious of such health and safety issues, I have developed the Delta Del Dimmer, a black tinted contact lens.  No more worries that you’ll dislodge the Ray-Bans as you jump awkwardly from the drum riser and almost land that T-Bone split.  In fact the patented Max-Dim tint on your Delta Del Dimmers makes it absolutely impossible to see anything, that’s the Max-Dim brand guarantee.  This forces you to remain safely stationary at all times, protects your eyes from the Dome-a-delic lightshow, and allows you to focus 100% on the enhanced sound delivered by your Dome-a-delic ear flap hearing aids.  And possibly a bit on the smell from your bandmates’ diapers.  Goths will love the fact that you look like a black-eyed, soul-less ghoul.  And a new authenticity will accrue to your performance of blues numbers in particular, as you channel the great sightless bluesmen of old, men like Blind Melon Chitlin.  A tragic case, the teenage Melon was warned by his mother that if he kept playing with himself he would go blind.  He planned to do it just until he needed glasses, but he overshot.    


That’s all for today folks, but I’m here all week.  On my own, waiting for the end.



Help an elderly person get through another day by expressing comforting human kindness in a comment!





47 comments:

  1. I'm not sure how much attention Del will be able to give to his own thread, given his propensity for wandering off in his underwear, but perhaps we might profitably suggest tunes that specifically address Senior Issues.

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  2. Replies
    1. Nice early start from Bell-Eye -

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OdNQt4a6f7g

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  3. I'm So Tired (Beatles)
    Old Man (Kneel, Jung!)
    I Forgot To Remember To Forget (Th'King)

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    1. Hey! Anonymous! Leave a nick at the end of your comment so you get some kind of ID here!

      Your Presley choice nails it. Kudos.

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    2. Who can forget the Strolling Ruins' immortal 1965 classic, "Get Off My Lawn"?
      C in California (aka Anonymous)

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    3. Just about anyone who was there at the time, C in California.

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    4. You beat me to the "kneel" young/jung pun two days before I made it on a post a week ago. I've become unstuck in time again

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    5. Yeah, but didja think of the Rolling Stones/Strolling Ruins-Get Off My Cloud/Get Off My Lawn confabulation? On a post about elderly issues? Well, didja??
      C in California

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    6. No, we didn't. We're too busy thinking about going into the kitchen for a cup of joe.

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  4. In a private email, Delta del's Social Services visitor tells me he's "gone rogue" again, but he's left a trail of Custard Cream debris which will help the authorities track him down.

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  5. it's funny until when.....John Prine's "Hello in There" or "Angel from Montgomery" are killers for my money, which, tbh, ain't much.

    That Harry Chapin "Cat's Cradle" song? Maybe Vonnegut, on second thought...

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  6. Some valuable and practical advice from Delta Del. Thanks, man!
    Out of deference to Farq I won't mention When I'm 64 from Sgt Pepper but I will point to my own post this week for the inspirational Larf And Sing from the Family LP Fearless.

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  7. Replies
    1. Thanks Babs, lookin forward to your next screed, and lookin back at my 64th too.

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  8. Fab gear you've got here, Del -- next time I hit the concert trail I'll be sure to add the diapers, deerstalker, contact shades, and prompt pit to my I-know-you rider!

    Time to dust off a Dead album. How about Anacin Station, or Blues For Allzheimah?

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    Replies
    1. "Playing With My Theraband"? No?

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    2. I think your batteries have run down, Jonder ...

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    3. Hey jonder my first customer! Just send the cash to Delta Del, The Internet, England, and when your new equipment arrives best go easy on the Dome-a-delic, it’s still at the prototype phase.

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  9. You can't do that
    If I fell
    I'm Down
    I feel fine
    Help !
    The end

    (sorry, can't remember the band's name at the moment)

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    Replies
    1. This is brilliant, Gar. You win! Maybe one of th' 4/5g© can remember the band's name?

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  10. What about "Warmin' up the Hands" by Heads Hands & Feet?



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  11. Thank you, Del!

    One question for you. How come the gear gets smaller but it also gets heavier?

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    Replies
    1. Yes indeed Steve, long gone are the days when I used to take the back seat out of my Ford Cortina so I could get my 4x12 cab in. And did I really used to carry a Twin Reverb in one hand and a flight-cased guitar in the other? These days my fave amp is a 1x10 Pro Junior, not cos it sounds great (which it does) but cos it’s the lightest valve combo out there.

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    2. I had a Twin - bought it for a tour in Hungary which ended up being cancelled. It was a lovely thing, but carting it up and down from the cellar for gigs got very old very quickly.
      I used a small valve combo for about 15 years - a tweed Peavey Classic 20 - 15w through an upgraded 10" speaker to get cleaner tones.
      Nowadays I use a Bodd Katana - after hearing one and my friends raving about the Kat, I got one. It really is as good as they say. Not too heavy, either!

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    3. I had a Twin Reverb, I used with a Rhodes Mark I, during my fusion years. It only weighed a ton and a half. It had nice tone, though.

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    4. early 1970s (1972?) Sunn amp that belonged to a bandmate who'd got a Marshall. It was loud...a little raggedy, but loud. Great amp.

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    5. When I was in a shit band, I used Shit© gear exclusively. I had a Shit© guitar played through a Shit© amp into Shit© speakers.

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    6. Next time you’re in a band Farq, maybe try the new range of Delta Del Dumptone amps. On the road to another gig? Take a Dumptone! You’ll feel better afterwards, that’s the Dumptone guarantee.

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    7. And hey Babs we need to hear about those fusion years, preferably including some actual Babs fusion recordings. And a Rhodes thru a Twin is one of THE great electric music sounds.

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    8. Seconded, and thirded. Babs: The Fusion Years is a must-read screed.

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  12. Del, did you travel much as a guitarist, or were you 'local'? How famous were (are) you?

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    1. Not famous Bambi, splashed around at the shallow end of rocknroll and blues circuits in England, a few gigs in mainland Europe, travelled a bit but mostly in beat up vans with bands more interested in gettin trashed and havin fun than gettin focussed and famoused. And now I'm workin on gettin my imaginary self some imaginary fame here on the Island. If you want more on my pre-Island self have a squint at my blog-not-blog type website.

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    2. Nice one Del, I'll give your albums a spin over the weekend, thanks.

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    3. Thanks Eric. I wish I had Farq’s dedication and stamina to maintain an actual evolving blog, but I dont. I just used a free blogspot template to make a website as a lockdown project. It was a way of drawing a line under a musical past in strange times well suited to such line drawing. Glad you enjoyed it!

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    4. Hi Del, I've just been listening to Deltadelic whilst doing some light housework, and am really impressed with the record quality and playing on display. The use of loops and dialogue keeps it interesting and modern (i.e. not typical blues)
      I was massively into blues music in the 80's but sort of od'd on it, and afterwards was never as bothered by the genre. However along the way saw a couple of amazing gigs, the best being Stevie Ray Vaughans first uk show at Reading Festival August 1983. Another was a show you may have attended (assuming you lived in the south west in the 80's) at the Colston Hall, Bristol, 1981, BB King. I remember one of the brass players in the band had the most amazing 'wobbly head' routine when not playing his instrument.

      I'll listen to your other album soon, thanks Del.

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    5. Glad you enjoyed the album Bambi, thanks for the compliment.

      I saw BB in London around 1978 and in the South West, Exeter I think, in the 90s and he was cool, and his bands were great. But Freddie was the guitar King for me, saw him 3 times in the early 70s, he attacked that Gibson hard, pinned me to the wall with one note!

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  13. Getting Older Every Day - Big Bill
    An Older Man is Like an Elegant Wine - Nancy Wilson
    I Will Follow You Into the Dark - Death Cab for
    Older Than My Old Man Now - Loudon W
    Back When We Were Beautiful - Emmylou & Rodney

    What was the question?
    Where did I leave my 78's

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  14. Keep on Chugglin' Del! Have you considered a stage recliner for when your legs give out?

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