Delta Del Dept. - Performance Tips For Seniors

Delta Del working on his buttclench, yestiddy.

Today [wheezes Delta Del - Ed.] I’d like to share some of the unique insights I’ve gained from a lifetime filled with live performances, some real, some imagined.  These are my Top Six Tips. They are aimed at the senior performer, who after a lifetime filled with live performances, may find that they have become a sad old man, alone in a cheap room, so very alone, with nobody to even tell them that IT’S OVER.  

Where was I?  Oh yes … tips.

TIP 1.  The Dark Star Diaper

Readers may remember the Dark Star Diaper brand from the late 60’s.  Designed by Jerry Garcia, (formerly) made in the U.S.A., this iconic [you - outside - Ed.] brand is back and more absorbent than ever.  I bought the name, and I’m re-launching the product as Delta Del’s Dark Star Diapers.  There aint nuthin worse than havin to leave the stage for a comfort break in mid jam.  Imagine for a moment that it’s 1968 and you’re Jerry.  Far out!  But barely 45 minutes into Dark Star and you’re busting for a slash, or maybe aching to drop the kids off at the pool.  Go right ahead!  Dark Star Diapers can handle it, and no-one closer than 10 feet will ever know!  That’s the Dark Star brand guarantee.  Your reputation is protected, and so are your white silk flares.  Play it loud, play it funky, play it safe with Delta Del’s Dark Star Diapers.  

TIP 2.  The Flare-Cooled Wah

Always wear boldly flared trousers and align your wah-wah pedal with the bassdrum.  Air moved by the pulsing drum will flap the loose-fitting leg material and act to cool arthritic ankle joints, and the over-worked wah itself.  Flappin flares may also fan or siphon air upwards, cooling the entire varicosed leg en route to a sweaty, diaper-clad private zone where the need for cooling and ventilation is acute.

TIP 3.  The Prompt Pit

Insist that every venue provide a prompt-pit, constructed to your specification and staffed by members of your entourage.  The stage must be reconfigured to allow installation of a pit, shielded from the audience, serving you essential medication, correct lyrics, motivational mantras, and a selection of performance drinks and energy snacks as specified on your rider.  

TIP 4.   The Maximised Monitor

Many of you will have seen ageing rock stars in classic pose with head thrown back and foot rested on a front-of-stage monitor speaker.  What you perhaps did not realise is that they were following Delta Del’s Dynamic Displacement exercise routine.  Ideal for the older rocker, my workout regime flexes and tensions various key muscle groups while you throw those essential stage shapes.  The pelvic thrust toward crowd with left foot on monitor … that’s Exercise 4 in the Late Starters Module.  The crowd swoons, and the sagging biceps femoris is toned to perfection.  There is no sadder sight than to see a mature lead guitarist pull up in mid-solo with a torn hamstring.  Don’t let it happen to you.  

TIP 5.  The Dome-a-delic Deerstalker

You’re a senior rocknroller, you suffer the curse of hair loss, and instinctively you reach for the trilby and shades.  Really?  Is that the best you can do?  Introducing Delta Del’s Dome-a-delic Deerstalker, a flexible, close-fitting, mirror-ball bonnet, with concealed hearing aids embedded in the ear flaps.  Impossible to detect, hard to ignore.  The Dome-a-delic comes with a miniaturised lighting-rig halo attachment.  The effect is at once mesmeric and profoundly disturbing.  Try one today.

TIP 6.  The Contact Shades

As the eyes fade, the senior guitarist may find that wearing shades onstage makes it rather tricky to make out certain essential details.  Like where front of stage ends and oblivion begins.  Ever conscious of such health and safety issues, I have developed the Delta Del Dimmer, a black tinted contact lens.  No more worries that you’ll dislodge the Ray-Bans as you jump awkwardly from the drum riser and almost land that T-Bone split.  In fact the patented Max-Dim tint on your Delta Del Dimmers makes it absolutely impossible to see anything, that’s the Max-Dim brand guarantee.  This forces you to remain safely stationary at all times, protects your eyes from the Dome-a-delic lightshow, and allows you to focus 100% on the enhanced sound delivered by your Dome-a-delic ear flap hearing aids.  And possibly a bit on the smell from your bandmates’ diapers.  Goths will love the fact that you look like a black-eyed, soul-less ghoul.  And a new authenticity will accrue to your performance of blues numbers in particular, as you channel the great sightless bluesmen of old, men like Blind Melon Chitlin.  A tragic case, the teenage Melon was warned by his mother that if he kept playing with himself he would go blind.  He planned to do it just until he needed glasses, but he overshot.    


That’s all for today folks, but I’m here all week.  On my own, waiting for the end.

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