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| Professor U.U. Gefiltefish yesterday. Swell-O-Meter®: model's own |
Y'know, subscribers, one of the most axed questions here on Fabulous False Memory Foam Island© is, how the Dickens do we know if an album is swell enough to be FoamFeatured™? Glad you axed, youngster! The answer is at once simple yet fraught with a fractal complexity that threatens the very foundations of Rational Thought. Our back-room boffin, Professor U.U. Gefiltefish [see Foam-O-Graph™ above - Ed.] took time out from combing Kreemé's Kirlian Aura to answer:
"In layman's terms, the swellness of an album is measured with with my patented Swell-O-Meter®, a portable device which evolved from the Neil Young Shit-Not-Shit-O-Meter® [FoamFeatured™ antecedently - Ed.]. Again in terms adapted to the meanest intelligence, the Swell-O-Meter® is connected by co-axial cable to the gramophone playing the album under consideration, and a reading registers on the dial you see on the face of the device. Obviously, this simple operation belies the advanced scientific theory and empirical application that went into the creation and development of the apparatus. Also there is some risk of low-grade plutonium leakage involved in the process, so the operator is required to wear specially-designed protective gear."
To qualify for this obscure percussion-centric jazzrock delight, simply stae what you'd like done to Jeff Bezos, and would it be in private or streamed live world-wide.
ReplyDeleteSign over more of his money to his ex, who seems to be a decent person who understands how to help people in need.
Delete... make him do 10% prices until he's on my level of "richness"
ReplyDeleteLenient.
DeleteJust make him shut up and get outta here.
ReplyDeletePerhaps a one way ticket to the moon with his rocketry pals Dickie Branson and Elongated Muskrat? They say the views from the moon are spectacular, but there's no atmosphere.
ReplyDeleteOr maybe Beez-O should be force fed bottles of piss produced by Amazon wage slaves.
DeleteHomer says there is air 'n space. They even have a museum.
DeleteNate here demonstrating his considerable resale value.
DeleteHe should order an electric head polisher, and when it doesn't work be forced to listen to endless loops of his customer service toadies telling him how it makes sense to return it at higher return postage than the thing cost in the first place, and transit will be via the Suez Canal.
ReplyDelete(Or he could just go fuck himself.)
Tell him I didn't say 'hi'!
DeleteClarence has described the standard transaction experience whereby Amazon Search will always steer you to the most expensive unit price available. I have NEVER purchased anything on Amazon but the people I know that have are seldom satisfied.
The Suez Canal parallel would be the logical conclusion for the enterprise. I will call it Justice!
Having already seriously blotted my copybook over Lidsville I delayed leaping into the fray to suggest an appropriate punishment for Jeff Bezos. I thought he was the keyboard player in Ratdog! Clearly I'm a ill-informed, corner shop type of guy but you do get Amazon in Scotland and they're money-grabbing, anti-union bastards here too.
ReplyDeleteAdd me to the list of card-carrying "I have NEVER purchased anything on Amazon" club members.
ReplyDeleteJeffrey Bozos is what our last POTUS liked to call the guy.
Oh, and their (usually teenagers, by the looks of 'em) van drivers are horrible at... well, about EVERYTHING when it comes to obeying the Rules Of the Road. "California Rolls" being their signature move.
I'd like him to undergo some kind of It's A Wonderful Life scenario - an angel shows him the world as it could have been had he spent his money on making it a better place. But he probably wouldn't give a fuck, so shooting him full of acid seems a do-able alternative. But that might make his Messiah complex worse. Oh, I don't know. Make him wear a bad Geraldo wig and 'tache combo and open for Wayne Newton.
ReplyDelete
ReplyDelete🔅
Talking of acid, Suntreader was a surprise success as a soundtrack to the experience back when. Light-on-its-feet, pattering, chiming polyrhythms supplied by percussionist Morris Pert, who worked with Stomu Yamash'ta. Keys by Peter Robinson, who worked with just about everyone including FoamFavorite© Shawn Phillips. Long tracks, all instrumental, a keeper.
Oh, thanks for the link.
DeleteRe. Bezos, "Stop destroying all the small viable businesses, like record shops, book shops, electrical specialists, etc, etc", or I'll tweeze you very roughly".
Unfortunatly people seem to be happy to buy from his company because its cheap, despite knowing about poor working conditions, slave labour, and very poor wages for almost everyone working at 4mazon.
It's not at all unfortunate: it's simply a case of dontgiveashitness. People have learned to be greedy because it takes less effort than, well, making an effort. Here in JollyOldBritannia we used to laugh at Americans for being fat, for getting in cars to drive even a few hundred yards, for chomping their way through tons of fast food, for having people pushing shopping trollies through the streets holding all their worldly goods. And guess what? We're catching up...FAST. Why? Because it's really easy to do. Hence Amazon and a really rich bloke: it's easier to make one guy really rich than to spread the wealth across a few thousand businesses. Here endeth the lesson.
DeleteOur guy Bozo boy is far & away the biggest user of CARDBOARD on the planet.
ReplyDeleteNot to go all Mutha Earth Shoes on ya, but, for every BOX he uses he ought to be made (by whom, you ax? The gub-ment? Psaw..) to plant a TREE. NOT in a Brooklyn Amaz-zone fulfillment center parking lot.
Again, not to get all John Muir Junior or Ed Begley Junior up in yo ax, but...
J-Bozo also ought to be forced to do community service. I am thinking along the lines of SOME environmental work. Maybe cleaning up trash on the side of a road. How 'bout on Seattle's I-5 during rush hour?
Just a few random i-dees...
Sunt Reader. That's how I see it.
ReplyDelete