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| Iconic farewell concert, Alcatraz, 1970 ©Foam-O-Graph™ |
The news that iconic 'sixties cartoon pop group The Archies are to reform comes at exactly the right time. In a world laid waste by Stupidity, Greed, and Vanity (the true Horsemen of the Apocalypse) the unexpected resurrection of the youthful entertainers will lift the hearts of millions [Baiter and Dylene Millions, Smegma, WIS - Ed.]. Group leader and "America's Typical Teenager" Archie Andrews granted us an exclusive interview yestiddy via th' Foam-O-Fone®! |
AA This sure is an honor, sir!
FT3 So - the band's getting back together! Tell us how this happened!
AA Gee - well, the guys were down at the malt shop, chugging phosphates, and Jughead [Forsythe P. Jones III - Ed.] said, hey guys, let's get the band back together! We all kind of looked at each other? And it was like the years since our last single [Bunny Hop Baby, 1970 - Ed.] just - disappeared? Like they never happened? It's not like we aged a day - we still look seventeen!
FT3 (laughs) The advantages of being 'toons! Plus, it's not like you can get the covids, either! So who's in the band?
AA It'll be the iconic line-up, Jughead on drums, me on lead guitar and vocals, Reggie on bass, and not forgetting the gals!
FT3 And you're recording?
AA Sure are! We have hundreds - thousands - of songs we wrote since the band broke up. We're going to work on a dozen for the album, which is called Sunshine Sprinkles. But the live act will be mostly the hits, and some deep cuts for our loyal fans!
FT3 I'm hearing rumors of a box set? The Archies Archives?
AA (smiles) No promises, but maybe our fans will be getting a surprise Christmas present!
FT3 Sweet! While you're here, Arch - there's another rumor - is it true that Betty and Veronica are - are, you know, into each other?
AA You mean like besties? Oh sure! All that rivalry was just for the comics!
FT3 I mean, there's this persistent talk, they had like a lesbian wedding?
AA (wrinkles nose) Lesbian? What's lesbian?
FT3 Tell you what - never mind. Rots o' ruck with the tour!
The Four Or Five Guy© giving the most nuanced and persuasive answer to the question of Betty and Veronica's sexuality will win a copy of The Archies Greatest Hits! Oboy! Is this ever the swellest?
ReplyDeleteRonnie may have desires for Betty, but Betty's love is a pure expression of souls touching. The physical manifestation of love outside conventional boundaries may be beyond her understanding. Fortunately, Veronica has the patience to slowly lead Betty into her awakening. Ronnie is also willing to bring in the shared object of their affection, Archie, as a vessel to usher Betty into the absolute release of her passion across the rules that have previously constrained her.
ReplyDeleteDo you not think that the repressed urge to fall into the sterile languor of a Sapphic embrace has been a subliminal yet formative impulse in their relationship? That "the love that dare not speak its name" had in a sense spoken to each of them, and remaining unvoiced only increased its primal, transgressive potential?
DeleteI do like the notion of Archie as catalytic persona - the mask of the id, as it were - in this drama. We might also profitably examine the effect of this "blocked" passion on their careers as musicians. Did - rather, can - repressed sexuality inform the tone and timbre of their playing?
Well, Betty bangs that tambourine hard!
DeleteIn Thailand, the polite slang for lesbian is "finger-cymbal" - you know - one cymbal ching-chings the other. Goes with the gesture.
DeleteI lived this, everybody balling everybody.............the Archies 72 tour was da bomb. fuck da stones, dey was wimps compared to these Archies. Keith was under the table of the stable called Mabel every night while Reg....that fucking animal stalked the compound.....I mean da hotel room. Needles hanging out everywhere like a fucking covid patient waitn' on a flu shot madonna in action any cockle-doo kind a stuff. The plaster casters were all there, Merck style pay to play...........doze goils.............total carpet munchers indeed.
ReplyDeleteWe thank FiveGuns for his erudite exegesis, offering as it does a compellingly empirical interpretation as credible in its way as a more rigorously academic approach.
Deletei prefer the naked Wedgie being loaded into the car after being kidnapped by Starchie and Bottleneck.
ReplyDeleteBottleneck tells Starchie "i'll handle this!"
Mudhead's going to cut the soles off his shoes, sit in a tree, and learn to play the flute.
DeleteJust queerbait from the Xena and Gabrielle "vagitarian" playbook.
ReplyDeleteI always thought Archie and "Jughead" Jones were latent.
Don't let the hypermasculinity fool you.
Delete*puts fingers in ears, hums loudly*
DeleteIs there any truth in the rumor, that Josie and the Pussycats will be the opening act?
ReplyDeleteVariety is reporting, Josie McCoy is back in good health after an unfortunate Hitachi Magic Wand electrocution that nearly killed her (and Joan Jet)
I heard that too. Using that device in the hot tub was heads above Candy Givens hot tub demise. In both cases nary a Tommy Bolin to be found but nearly 'Post Toasties'.
DeleteEnough with the idle speculation -- let's look at the evidence:
ReplyDeletehttps://ferriswinters.tumblr.com/post/657277343333859328/i-need-the-gay-beronica-subtext-please-its-for
And if you still have any lingering doubts, here is ircontravertible proof I got while stalking outside the Riverside High girls locker room:
https://64.media.tumblr.com/2b735ed652690f5bd7b4b0dab8513529/tumblr_py4e0byHLu1yvme18o1_540.jpg
Ooff. Be right back.
DeleteI thought Betty and Veronica were like ""Cherry"" down for anything/person
ReplyDeletein an Underground comic (Dr Atomic I think) they had Archie as sort of a lost boy punk ,Juggie as a junkie, Reggie as a leatherboy, Moose as a juicehead, Betty as a Xtian , Veronica as a vamprisexual who got off on blood she almost kills Jagger with a bloody bj
ReplyDeleteBetty: Dad
ReplyDeleteDad: Yes honey
Betty: Im Lesbian
Dad: Ok
Veronica: Dad
Dad: Yes?
Veronica: Im lesbian too
Dad: GOD does anyone like boys around here
Jughead: I do…
"Phosphates"... wow, that takes me back...
ReplyDeletePhew! Our postbag has been bulging with replies to this week's cartoon character sexuality question! The standard has been uniformly high, making the judge's decision a difficult one! So if you didn't win the Grand Prize it's no reflection on your entry, which was very nearly as nuanced and persuasive as the winners! In the end, it's all subjective, innit? What one bloke likes maybe ain't the same as some other bloke, but that's don't mean it's fucked up. Arseholes are like opinions, right?
ReplyDeleteSo thank you all for your entries, no matter how shit they were. The winner is iamjethro, who left the rest of youse dumbasses in the dust what with his nuanced persuavity. Iamjethro - here is your luxury edition of "The Definitive Archies - Greatest Hits And More" - the only collection to be sourced form the master tapes and not scruffy old vinyl!
You deserve it, pally. Nuance out th' ass.
(In these times of extra covidity, the link has been ebbed in this comment as a Stealth Link© - our guarantee of 99% virus-free downloading!)
Thank you! Thank you! I will be doing my Miss America wave in a convertible down near the Piggly Wiggly this Saturday afternoon. I, of course, will be blaring this magnificent collection of musical ecstasy for all to hear!
DeleteYou are truly the Angelyne of the Piggly Wiggly crowd.
DeleteI was going to be rude and dismissive of the Archies.
ReplyDeleteThen I remembered that the UK had the Wombles...and Father Abraham and the Smurfs...and the Crazy Frog...
... and the Archies were a bunch of session players who could actually play. It was always and only a for-the-bucks deal, anyway, but if there's a better song, bar for bar, than Sugar Sugar I ain't heard it.
DeleteIt's a great well-crafted little pop song.
DeleteThe Wombles' musicians were no slouches, mind - Chris Spedding on guitar, Clem Cattini on drums and Mike Batt on keys. Can't say the music was special, though.
It's a great song. The ear-worm riff is integrated into the chorus structure - you sing along with it: Ah Sugar - da da da da da da daa - honey honey - da da da da da da daa - you are my candy girl ... This is Dumb Pop Genius. I'd have loved to hear the Monkees cover it. Had to be a Davy Jones vox, I think.
DeleteFrom memory*, I think that musicians on Archies' records included guitarists Hugh McCracken and Dave Appell, bassists Chuck Rainey and Joey Macho, keyboard player Ron Frangipane, and drummers Buddy Saltzman and Gary Chester.
Delete(*wikipedia)
Also wiki: Buddy Saltzman is especially remembered for his work with The Four Seasons. On "Dawn (Go Away)" (1964) Saltzman accented the recording with bombastic around-the-kit fills and ghost notes while never using a cymbal once.
DeleteHey - check it out - this is really groovy!
Deletehttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y_wS4MvB6aE
I've just found this. A full sessionography for the Four Seasons - from their pre-Seasons recordings to the Tamla stuff.
Deletehttps://www.seasonally.co.uk/Sessionography.htm
Unfortunately, a little short on detail, but still interesting.
DeleteWilson Pickett did a very good cover of "Sugar Sugar," with the full soul arrangement, horns blasting away.
ReplyDeleteI've got a version by Alex Chilton. It's...er..."different"...
DeleteHey I listened to that one two days ago. They were just goofing around in the studio, maybe, but hey, that "heavy Iron Butterfly sound" they wanted...they got it. That drummer is just bashing his kit to death on that track...
DeleteSome of Chilton's stuff from the "Free Again sessions" is really unfocused, or as in the case of "Sugar Sugar" a pure goof. So here's a little experiment. My mini-medley starts with a short snatch of "I Can Dig It" just before it starts to drag and then..."here comes the sugar" as Chilton growls...though I edited that down quite a bit...it's a reasonably funny joke, but it drags on too long.
DeleteSo...here comes the sugar (for those who want to try it)
https://workupload.com/file/6WhcB98GDwv