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| Joni demonstrates his signature contribution to the vocabulary of design, yesterday! "It looks simple, but therein lies its subtle genius!" |
You'll know Lord Joni Ives from his iconic designs for Apple Macintosh [home computer retailer - Ed.]. His signature form - a rectangle with rounded corners - was revolutionary in concept and sent shockwaves though industry and culture alike, profoundly influencing absolutely everything that was rectangular. Although best known for the iPhone - a glowing rectangle with rounded corners displaying a dizzying profusion of glowing rectangles with rounded corners - Joni hasn't been idle since those groundbreaking years! His post-Apple portfolio boasts such prestigious projects as an auctioneer's rostrum (non-glowing rectangle with rounded corners), an LED boat lantern (glowing rectangle with rounded corners) and a hi-fi turntable (rounding the corners to existing non-glowing rectangles). Given the depth and relevance of his experience, it's easy to see why Ferrari's youthful design chief Nepobambini Masturbani, 14, chose Joni to design their flagship battery-powered family runabout.
OUT went the raw excitement, glamour, craftsmanship, character, prestige, and colour of the most recognised brand in the world! IN came soothing silence, glowing rectangles with rounded corners, and a pastel palette informed by starter home bathroom suites!
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| The new Ferrari Luce*, yesterday! (*not) |
We chatted poolside whilst [grammar - Ed.] Joni's youthful ward Nkudu stirred his Bailey's Créme de Menthe cocktail with a crystallized duck penis.
FT3 The reaction to your bold new design initiative is overwhelming!
JI (chuckling modestly) Well, influential YouTuber macasslicker958432 called it "genius", and who is one to disagree!
FT3 Talk us through the brief!
JI Nepobambini - dear boy! - said "I give you the free hand, Joni! Forget everything you know about world's most beloved car builder!" Which was news to me - I had no idea they made cars! (laughs)
FT3 (laughs) Well, you put a stop to that nonsense! Share prices fell off the roof! The first production model was ceremonially cremated by the Pope in the Vatican! And legacy Ferrari executives leapt through plate glass windows to their deaths!
JI One is honoured by the commission to design their coffins. One envisages (gestures in air) rectangles with rounded corners ... pastel colours ... no handles ...
FT3 Joni, at no point did anybody say, excuse me, but what the actual screaming fuck are you doing here?
JI (laughs)
FT3 Literally nobody saw what happened to Jaguar and Porsche? How major car manufacturers are abandoning proposed EVs? And who the fuck is the Luce aimed at? People who want to spend Ferrari money but hate Ferraris and everything they stand for?
JI Hélas! Design genius is rarely recognised in the lifetime of the genius designer. It is one's cross to bear. Think of the Sinclair C5. The Cybertruck. The, er ... (snaps fingers) Nkudu! My glass needs stirring! Stir my glass ...
Says it all ...
Sir Joni is someone I want to slap in the face with a live octopus. Can you think of someone who'd benefit from the same treatment?
ReplyDeleteYou mean, outside the White House?
DeleteD in California
Good point. Yep, putting the obvious candidate aside for something indescribably worse. Just some smug son-of-a-bitch you'd love to see suck cephalopod.
DeleteA slap in the face with a live octopus is too soft for those people, my thoughts on that would involve a barracuda, and I don’t think slapping them with a barracuda would be sufficient.
DeleteWhen i take my 1991 Ferrari F40 out for a spin, I want other drivers to look at me and think ‘wow that guy must be someone’. I certainly won’t be buying this new model, even though my accountant says the offsetting of tax would save me 40% of the sale price. Looks like I’m stuck with my old F40.
ReplyDeleteI'll get back to you on using Aquatic Animals for Assault, Monty Python were early adopters.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sq7pCTQCiDc
In the United Kingdom, a ban on the sale and supply of single-use vapes (supposedly) took effect on 1 June 2025, yet still the streets of the UK are littered with them, and recycling sites reported hundreds of fires caused by them last year and this. So to whoever approved their sale without sorting out how to dispose of them properly first, I propose a slap in the face with a live octopus please.
ReplyDeleteThere’s no I in team, or Jony.
ReplyDeleteRobert F. Kennedy Jr. Dr. Phil
Justin Bieber
Mel Gibson
Chris Rock and Will Smith
All of the Kardashians
Kanye West
Joel Osteen
The Eagles
The British Royal Family
Everyone at Fox News
I could do this all day..
Glad you appreciated the satirical effect of mis-spelling both his names. What kind of person spells his name "Jony", anyway? (Answer: a precious, self-adoring prig.)
DeleteYour list is a good one, but leave The Eagles ALOOOOONE goddammit. Substitute CSN.
Agreed on precious, self-adoring prig.
DeleteAlso, that Ferrari Luce looks like the original iMac G3 from 1998.
babs will extincticize our Octopuses.
DeleteIt's a picture of the Nissan Leaf (a nicer car at a fraction of the cost) for satirical purposes. The Luce is like a stretched version, and from the top, it looks like a computer mouse. If Design Crime is possible, Joni has committed it.
DeleteIt would have to be a mollusc with plenty of poisonous spines or sacs to help me work my way through Will Self, David Aaronovitch, the entire front bench of both sides of the House of Commons since 2001, everyone who worked at the NME circa 1980 and the dancers off 'The Word' for starters.
ReplyDeleteYou'll have to get behind me if Paul Morley, Ian Penman and that Scottish post-modernist editor are in the line.
DeleteThe last 9 British Prime Ministers plus the one that's soon to be chosen for a start and every senior appointment to the European Union since its inception. Albeit I do wonder if a live Octopus is too good for them and being forced to have a farm slurry shower daily for a months of Sundays would be more appropriate?
ReplyDeleteBesides most members of the US Congress, most of the US Supreme Court, and the owner of the NY Mets, I think octopusizing any given Fox "news" host would be good, Tucker Carlson, any of the billionaire tech bros... we gonna need more octopi, y'all. A lot more.
ReplyDelete