TV's Reg Varney Reviews Latest Jazz-Rock LP! Dept.

Foam-O-Graph© - "Making Your World - Make Sense!"

 

You'll know cheeky diminutive funnyman Reg Varney [above - Ed.] from TV's long-running series Blimey! You Can See Her Knickers! but did you know he's something of a jazzrock authority? [I'm guessing not Ed.] That's right, music enthusiasts! Reg kept the great cow-faced British public happy thru the war years [up to '69, then - Ed.] with his cheery chuckle and lecherous eye for the ladies, so he seemed the obvious choice to review Mrs. Santana's new jazzrock waxing! Take it away, Reginald!

And a big hi-de-hi-de-ho to all you jazzrock fans out there! Ding ding! Room for more inside! Farq lent me this new LP by Cindy Blackman Santana to review. Apparently hubby Carlos gave her permission to make her own record, and I'm all for the little ladies being allowed their time outdoors. It's the times, innit? The more bras burned the better, say I! Phwoar! But on a serious note, Mrs. Santana plays the drums, and I'm sure even the most feminine feminists would agree with me that this is a man's job! We men are built stronger in the muscles and frankly have you ever known a dolly bird be on time? (laughs) So all credit to her for trying, say I, but don't forget hubby's dinner needs to be on the table!

What's the record like, then? Well, in all honesty like, I ain't played it. I'm a bit put off by the Blackman thing to be honest - what's that about? And like I say, a girlie playin' the drums goes against common sense! Do me a favour! They'll be drivin' the buses next! Ding ding! Fares please! (cackles)

Thank you, Reginald! Th' Four Or Five Guys© may have noticed [again, my guess is not - Ed.] I have substituted my own cover design for the original, which made my brain hurt. Here it is:

 

This looks like ... nope, I give up. It defies coherent thought and rational analysis. It makes the cover for Foreign Tongues look strangely beautiful. What has she got on her feet? Elf sneakers? What are her legs doing and where are they going? It looks like her image has been cut out with safety scissors in a school project for blind children. The phrase what the actual freaking fuck seems applicable. Here's my replacement, suitable for framing:

 

 

Anyway, as on previous Mrs. Santana albums, hubby Carlos and barbecue buddy John McLaughlin contribute fretwork, and they're the least interesting tracks on the album. Only occasionally during the over-long running time do I yell stop playing the goddamn drums already! and it's a very creditable outing in The Genre That Refuses To Die. Download in the comfort of your own home as the world burns.

 

This post inspired by a thwarted desire to charitably reassess Mr. Varney's elusive genius. I was right first time. 

Review This Album And WIN!! A Magic Scented Ass Bracket!!

 

Say, fellows! Wanna be a supercool record reviewer, huh, do yuh huh!? Oh boy! Do those guys ever get the dames! Plus also FREE record albums from the latest recording stars! That's right! Major publications pay BIG BUCKS for some pencil-neck jerk's opinion about the new Rolling Stones album! That pencil-neck jerk could be YOU!!

Roll up those sleeves, crack those knucks, and pen a review of this here above record album [above - Ed.]! Just any old shit that comes into your pointy little head! If your review is chosen to be the best submitted, you will WIN WIN WIN this wonderful FREE GRAND PRIZE!!

SNIFF this Magic Scented ASS bracket! SNIFF IT NOW!!

 

This post funded by Otis U. Poodlepecker, Warehouse Operative, Holeville, TX
 

TL-DR Dept. - Jim Morrison

Unusually Sensitive and Artistic editorial illustration from Foam-O-Graph©

Yes probably, Morrison was the insufferable, sulky, belligerent drunk he's written off as. So what? It's not like he's going to come by your house and piss on your couch while slurring half-remembered lines from Baudelaire. You don't have to put up with his inconsiderate egocentricity, so what's your problem?

A mediocre poet, you say airily. Well, being a mediocre poet is more than not being a poet at all, which is what you are, you bum. And he was a better poet than many poets who didn't look so good in leather pants.

When the still sea сonspires an armor
And her sullen and aborted currents
Breed tiny monsters
True sailing is dead

Yebbut, he was so-oo pretentious! As I never get tired of hearing myself type: pretension is the mother of art. Without that vaulting ambition, nothing is achieved.

He couldn't actually, you know, sing? Here's John Mayer, who understands the technical aspects of singing better than I do:

He’s most commonly described as a baritone because his voice sits comfortably in a lower tessitura, with a dark tone and chest-dominant production. His range wasn’t about flashy high notes—it was about power, color, and attitude.

• Comfortable power in the low-mid range
• A naturally darker, thick tone
• Strong speaking-to-singing connection
• Less emphasis on bright, ringing top notes
• Slow, confident timing
• Controlled roughness
• Minimal vibrato (often more straight tone)

Morrison didn’t build his identity around vocal acrobatics. He built it around command. Here’s the big mistake: people think Morrison equals “sing low.” What he actually did was sing heavy.

This is good stuff, right? Read the whole piece here. So yes, he could sing. Like a motherfucker. And he had one of the most immediately recognisable voices in rock (or anywhere).

Morrison was one of the great frontmen. Yes, I know about frontwomen, we had Gracie here a few days back. There are no frontmen no more, no larger-than-life figureheads, not nohow. None. Guys who can command the attention of an audience through sheer intensity of performance, through their wild, burning presence. Elvis, James Brown, Iggy Pop. And Freddie Mercury, perhaps the last of the breed, not that I give a toss for his Saturday morning car wash music.

What we have today in the place of this magnetic electric planetary pull is niceness. Paradigm: Chris Somebody, the singer with Coldplay (is that a group?). Performers today are respected for niceness. All that testosterone strutting is a bit cringe, right? Mr Somebody is doubtless a nice guy. So, I'm sure, are Tedeschi and Trucks. None of them is likely to get his [or her - Ed.] tackle out on stage. I doubt there's a line of groupies at the stage door eager to suck them off or blow coke up their ass through a bendy straw. A shoulder pat, perhaps! A shared shy grin? ROCK AND FUCKING ROLL! Being in a Coldplay audience must be like wallowing through a sloppy sludgy soup of niceness and affection. I'm like, literally crying with niceness here! Which may be preferable to a mosh pit hammer party, but I'm not sure.

Morrison was our last bastard Dionysian, howling down the ancient days; stoned, immaculate, and absolutely live.

"It's the pictures that got small."

 

 

Perfect Tens Dept. - Herb Alpert's Tijuana Brass!

Herb's "Going Places" in style! Gaston! Dos cervecas!!

 

It's a fair criticism that th' IoF© doesn't feature a whole lot of ethnic musics from the more diverse parts of the world. The Young People Of Today are properly respectful of Mongolian Nose Flute albums and Funeral Disco Chants From Tanzania, mainly because their own music is so shit they're prepared to give anything a try.

pmac in Seville, yesterday!

 

So it's in this spirit of benign cultural appropriation that the latest Perfect Ten features in our coveted Perfect Ten feature. Those of you alert enough to have read the title of this piece (and I'm taking nothing for granted these days) will already know who I'm talking about - go back and read it now if you're still in the dark. As an extra clue, I've used AI technologies to produce a pixel-perfect blurry reproduction of the original album sleeve [above - Ed.].

For why does this album garner musicdom's most coveted award? On account which there's nothing wrong with it, ya doofus. And boy, do those Spanish-type bossa rhythms ever cheer a guy up!

Herb n' Lani, 2021. Does you good to look on such a blessed state. Human beings can be great.

 

 

This post prompted by a laudable desire for inclusivity. 

"Snob Music For Posh Twats" Dept. - Arnold Bax

Arts copyright False Memory Foam™ Art Department O'Art© Dept.

Arnold Bax is this Brit what wrote big violin music for them bands what need a stiff in a tux pointin' at them wit' a stick. Currently holed up in a palm-leaf hut on th' IoF© to avoid his creditors, Arnie and me chatted poolside whilst [grammar - Ed.] Rholonne Déodoranté served crispy hens' knees on a bed of surgery waste [Kreemé is currently interning for Bob Dylan - Ed.]

Rholonne Déodoranté

FT3 So tell us for why you got into this longhair music, Arnie!

AB Duh. To get laid. Why does any guy go into the music business? 

FT3 Did it work?

AB Oh sure. Dames fall for dat sufferin' artiste shit, like you wouldn't believe.

FT3 How did you come to write that First Symphony album?

AB I wants to write a Fifth, like dat one Beethoven guy, so I gots to start somewhere.

FT3 Talk us through the composition process, Arnie!

AB What? I don't know. I just sits dere at th' pianny wit' like dis big book o' pages wit' like lines on dem, and I put dese li'l dots in? Den some dame sashays in wit' her robe open an' drapes herself across me lap and I gets distracted. Den after I takes her roughly from behind on the piany stool, why, I casts her aside like a dog race ticket! I stands there pushin' me fingers thru me hair sayin' how is the artiste to compose when dames such as like you puts temptation in me way? She's hangin' on to me ankles and I'm draggin' her across th' floor.

FT3 This really happens? 

AB You kiddin'? You're dumber than you look. Composin' snob music for posh twats is no way to pick up dames. I shoulda bin in dem Rolling Stones. They do all right.

 

This post approved by Velda Sputnik for the Commies Code Authority© 

 

 

 

 

Bob Dylan's Gatest Hits! Dept.

"There are no kings inside the Gates of Eden" but Bob's gates are fit for a king!

 

You'll know protest singer Bob Dylan for his hard-hitting social criticism - songs such as Puff The Magic Dragon, Little Boxes, and In The Year 2525 have made it to the top of the "pop charts" in spite of a message many of the "older generation" find uncomfortable!

But did you know he also welded gates? That's right! Bob stopped by th' IoF© to promote his latest passion! We chatted poolside whilst [grammar - Ed.] Kreemé [below, and eighteen my ass - Ed.] served signature eel spleen n' Reflecting Pool water smoothies!

FT3 Bob! The Bobster! Bobby-boy! Zimbo! You're looking good, my man!

BD Right now I'm lookin' at that gal's ass.

FT3 (laughs) Tells us about this unexpected career change!

BD Just got sick of the singin'. I can sing any old shit out there, make it all one same fucking note, they don't care. They should be booin' me off stage, they're cheerin', goin' crazy. Sick of it.

FT3 So why gates?

BD I've always been interested in railings, bootscrapers, grilles, gates, anything made of iron, steel, metal. Welded. Love me a welder's torch, mask, them heavy gloves. It's a manly occupation. Writin' a fuckin' song? What kind of thing is that for a grown-ass man to do?

FT3 Right. So no more records?

BD Fuck that. Fuck that with a big iron spike with a fucking rusty point on the end. It's the welder's life for me.

FT3 Let's take a break here to show th' Four Or Five Guys© some of your work ...

BD Right, here's me at work. I'm lifting my mask here so you can see who I am. Normally that's over my face, for protection from the intense light and searing heat. OHSA very strict about that. 

 BD And here's an archway what I did for some mall or something ... no! A casino!

 

BD I mean, I made more from that than I did for my last album, uh, whatever that was. Made a shitload of money out of a casino! (laughs) Not many people can say that!

FT3 Knockin' on Heaven's Door! I hav'ta say, Bob, that's better than Tempest.

BD That one's going on tour. I'm curating a truckload of gate-adjacent welding projects for Bob Dylan's Weld Tour. I stay home, weld some more stuff ... yeah!

 

 

This post funded in part by Scarcely Credible Developments And Unlikely Directions Magazine 

 

 

Boring Publishing News

Adding a cute picture will drive traffic to your blog!

 

 

You may remember [yeah, right - Ed.] I posted a new novel, Selfies, here a while back. I had a total of four (count 'em!) reactions from the Four Or Five Guys©. Two used the same phrase - "quite enjoyed it". Imagine the impact they'd have on the cover! Another "eventually" found it to be a satisfactory read, presumably after slogging through the beginning and middle parts. The fourth sent me a much appreciated and thoughtfully detailed positive reaction (thank you, Nico!). So at least four of you read it. There may be more, who didn't quite enjoy it, or enjoy it enough to get through it, and were kind enough to keep their opinions to themselves.

Over the last few months I've submitted it to thirty-nine literary agents, in the UK, the USA, and three publishers in France who accept manuscripts in English. I researched individuals who represent this genre of novel. Each submission has to conform to specific and slightly differing requirements in terms of what they want to see, and what they want to know about you. It's nothing like as simple as emailing the manuscript (you never send the whole book). Each submission is individually researched and tailored and formatted.

Break up large areas of text with relevant illustration!

 

I contacted a total of forty-two (count 'em!) people, each of whom advertised their wants specifically enough for me to not waste their time. Let's count the replies: zero. I'm not talking about rejections. I'm talking about simple acknowledgement of receipt. Something along the lines of thank you for your submission, I'll get back to you. Or not. How long would it take to press send on a boiler-plate reply like that? But no, nothing. Zip. Nada. A deafening silence.

Either the submissions were not read at all (very likely) or speed-scanned and spiked, or read and ignored. But not one was even acknowledged. This is publishing.

I never thought it would be a publishing sensation. It's just entertaining escapist fun, with strong movie potential. A holiday read, or, if the reader is the thoughtful type, something to think about. We'll never know, will we?

No, I'm not going to "self-publish" on Amazon or anywhere else. I checked the numbers. It would be lost in the flood. Millions of books out there, for free, not getting read. This is publishing.

Perfect Tens Dept. - Jefferson And His Aeroplanes!

This is what it might have looked like if Balin's original idea was used. Pink works better, and he thought so too.

 

They don't get enough love, is what I'm saying. For why? Perhaps it was their shift into hectoring agit-prop, confused science fiction, and a string of ragged albums. And then the Starship, which has dated as well as toweling headbands and legwarmers. I reckon it was the drugs becoming more important than the tunes, but what do I know? Their first three albums remain paradigms [oh, fuck off - Ed.] of 'sixties culture, focused like a crystal lens onto the times they were made, clear and color-saturated.

Takes Off is the modern sound of folk-rock, from Marty Balin's band. What set it apart from the hootenanny hayriders was a for-the-times lyrical edginess, pencil-fucked by the prudes at RCA, some neat acid-etched guitar and Jack Casady's frankly mindblowing bass, recorded unusually close. Signe Toly Anderson and Skip Spence left before the second album, replaced by high society sex tornado Grace Slick and jazzbo sticksman Spencer Dryden. 8/10

Balin took a slight but significant step back for Surrealistic Pillow, the band creating as a whole, and the sound expanded into something immediately new - by turns battering and sharp or shimmering gentle. Slick brought two songs from the underachieving Great Society, the hit Somebody To Love and the psycho bolero White Rabbit, which sounded like nothing else more than anything else, and still does, only more so. Here's the sound of the summer of love happening, breaking through the concrete and diffusing rainbows into the air. Only Electric Music For The Mind And Body caught the mood as perfectly. 10/10

After Bathing At Baxters shows the perils of freedom, of over-indulgence. Arriving in late '67, it prefigured the end of the decade and the sun setting on the Age of Aquarius after barely nudging over the horizon. Balin was sidelined to one song and experimentation was valued for its own sake. Again, it's a perfect encapsulation of the times, but the times were already troubled, and the lack of focus, of a cohesive identity, that was to plague the band's later releases was apparent in the wider context of a counterculture uncertain how to replace mindless hedonism with something lasting. Yes, it's a nearly great album, but that nearly is crippling. In spite of some rave reviews, Baxter's fell short of its lofty aim. Grace Slick: "We figured we were going to produce the most brilliant album released in rock ... we had no idea what we were doing." I blame the drugs. 9/10

 

This post approved safe for human consumption by the FADAMDA (Food And Drugs And More Drugs Administration)

See Grace demonstrate mothering skills! 

Oh my.

One for Snorkers

Firesign Double Disc TwinPack Twofers™! Dept.

 

Available scans of this awesome cover are universally shit. I blame the internet.

 

You have nothing better to do with your ears right now than squirt new, liquid Firesign Ear Canal Cleanser™ into them! And what swifter, cleaner way of delivery than clicking the cunningly hidden StealthLink© embedded in this post!

 

Terrible, horrible cover by Phil Yamamoto and his girlfriend. It was Phil's only design commission, and I wonder why.

 

These swell dual discs, the Firesign's only original twin vinyls, offer:

🖕MicroHybrid© cleansing technology!

🖕Refreshful MintyMenthol™ aftertaste!

🖕Sparkling RIAA Redline® performance!

 

Add to the fun!

Is that even possible, you ask, your voice choking with emotion, that we could have even more Firesign fun? These two swell extry deliverables, StealthLinked© together somewhere in this paragraph (I forget, so don't ask), answer your question with a resounding YES!

De-tuned as in the crappy songs have been deleted. You won't notice.

 

Phil "Rock God" Austin's feeble, boring, and irrelevant musical interludes SAVAGELY edited out, resulting in a smooth, Liqui-Glyde™ listening experience. You should thank me. Also for the new cover, which spares us Austin's nipple.

... and here's Snorky's faahhhbulous cover for four hours of live radio (see comments):

 

Bravo, Snorkers! Graphic perfection!

Snorkers knocks it out the park and into the frying pan with his cover for "Rarities"! Link in comments.

 

You'll treasure these legacy recordings just like all the other shit you download but never get around to playing!

The Olds Are The News Dept.

 

Ideas: super-celebs, NFT bored monkey, Banksy. Image search about five minutes, fooling around with filters, fonts - maybe fifteen, tops. Not over-thinking is a key Stones attribute. These wouldn't have flown as real designs, due to copyright/legal problems I'm not bothered by. The Stones have form in eye-wincing "bad taste" - Get Your Ya-Yas Out? Some Girls? Voodoo Lounge? Hackney Diamonds? Yikes and thrice yikes!

THIS JUST IN!

Famed Dutch fine artiste Koen got his crayons out, too!

Richard Simmons Launches "Fitness For The Homeless" Program!

Longtime homeless bum-ette "Babs" (center) sets hat on fire to keep warm!

You'll know TV's Richard Simmons from popular TV show Hey! Fatso!, but did you know he's also Ambassador for NYC's Fitness For The Homeless™ Program? Richard stopped by th' IoF© yestiddy to tell us about exciting fitness initiative! We chatted poolside whilst [grammar - Ed.] Kreemé [eighteen my ass - Ed.] served signature clam juice and binwater smoothies!

FT3 Heyyyy! Richard my man! Th' Simster! Still can't afford a pair of pants, huh?

RS My Richard Simmons® ScantiShorts© offer silky freedom of movement with the added support of Neoprene™ gusset technology!

FT3 Enough product placement already! This homeless deal - give us the skinny!

RS Why, everyone can get a lean, buff body like mine with just a few minutes workout - even homeless bums! Let's face it, it's not like they got jobs to go to! (laughs) Anyways, I have to dash, I have an invite to a Soup Kitchen tonite!

FT3 Er ... you may want to watch The Other Guys movie before you commit to this engagement.

RS (winks) Why do you think I'm going?

Uh-oh! Someone threw a swell album in the trash! Can you descry it in above Foam-O-Graph©, readers? Grand deliverable for lucky winner of today's competition!

Criminally Underrated Bands Dept. - Wings!

 

Wings made a very fine album indeed, back in '68. Oz Bach, from FoamFavorites™ Spanky And Our Gang, played bass and wrote. MOR songthrush Pam Robins lent her tonsils and co-wrote. Also features Jerry Poloquin (the Airplane's first drummer) and production/arrangement from Steve Barri and Jimmy Haskell. Typically first-tier folk rock from Dunhill.

This post brought to fruition thru organic nurturing and peaceful vibes

Sat'dy Morning TV Dept. - Soap

Before you rush to your keyboard to point out that Soap was never on Saturday morning TV, let me patronisingly explain that it's Saturday morning here on th' IoF©, and this here first episode of a show that's never been equalled for razor-sharp outrageousness is what's on FoamTV® (logo - static blur). Enjoy!

wiki: "series featured melodramatic plotlines including alien abduction, demonic possession, extramarital affairs, murder, kidnapping, unknown diseases, amnesia, cults, organized crime, a communist revolution, and teacher-student relationships."

Perfect Tens Dept. - Pink Floyd

Outstanding in her field ...

Charter Four Or Five Guy© Sitarswami, a legend on th' IoF for his unique contributions, sent me a link to this frankly awesome remix of Atom Heart Mother. It's by a collective calling themselves MQR, and their website trumpets a metric shitload of remixes made without profit in mind, to be given away freely to fans because, hey man, the Man can't take our music, right? Except that there are - perhaps predictably - no links to download them. Gee whiz and uh-freakin'-huh, right?

Mr. Swami managed to source a handful, and among them is this stunning remix of one of my favourite albums, Atom Heart Mother, now given away freely to you, th' 4/5g©. It's that rare thing, a remix that improves on the original in every way, thus earning the prestigious IoF© Perfect Ten Award, the first for a remix. They got the cover right, too. THRILL to previously buried detail! WANDER thru widescreen stereo soundstage! SWOON to a transformed Summer Of '68! It's become my "go-to iteration", and it likely will be yours, too!

I've a feeling there'll be additions to this post, so check back every few seconds or so. It's not like you have anything better to do.

This post made inevitable thru th' astral chakra homologation of sitarswami™

Design Wanker Joni Ives Interview!

Joni demonstrates his signature contribution to the vocabulary of design, yesterday! "It looks simple, but therein lies its subtle genius!"

You'll know Lord Joni Ives from his iconic designs for Apple Macintosh [home computer retailer - Ed.]. His signature form - a rectangle with rounded corners - was revolutionary in concept and sent shockwaves though industry and culture alike, profoundly influencing absolutely everything that was rectangular. Although best known for the iPhone - a glowing rectangle with rounded corners displaying a dizzying profusion of glowing rectangles with rounded corners - Joni hasn't been idle since those groundbreaking years! His post-Apple portfolio boasts such prestigious projects as an auctioneer's rostrum (non-glowing rectangle with rounded corners), an LED boat lantern (glowing rectangle with rounded corners) and a hi-fi turntable (rounding the corners to existing non-glowing rectangles). Given the depth and relevance of his experience, it's easy to see why Ferrari's youthful design chief Nepobambini Masturbani, 14, chose Joni to design their flagship battery-powered family runabout. 

OUT went the raw excitement, glamour, craftsmanship, character, prestige, and colour of the most recognised brand in the world! IN came soothing silence, glowing rectangles with rounded corners, and a pastel palette informed by starter home bathroom suites!

The new Ferrari Luce*, yesterday! (*not)

We chatted poolside whilst [grammar - Ed.] Joni's youthful ward Nkudu stirred his Bailey's Créme de Menthe cocktail with a crystallized duck penis.

FT3 The reaction to your bold new design initiative is overwhelming!

JI (chuckling modestly) Well, influential YouTuber macasslicker958432 called it "genius", and who is one to disagree!

FT3 Talk us through the brief!

JI Nepobambini - dear boy! - said "I give you the free hand, Joni! Forget everything you know about world's most beloved car builder!" Which was news to me - I had no idea they made cars! (laughs)

FT3 (laughs) Well, you put a stop to that nonsense! Share prices fell off the roof! The first production model was ceremonially cremated by the Pope in the Vatican! And legacy Ferrari executives leapt through plate glass windows to their deaths! 

JI One is honoured by the commission to design their coffins. One envisages (gestures in air) rectangles with rounded corners ...  pastel colours ... no handles ...  

FT3 Joni, at no point did anybody say, excuse me, but what the actual screaming fuck are you doing here?

JI (laughs)

FT3 Literally nobody saw what happened to Jaguar and Porsche? How major car manufacturers are abandoning proposed EVs? And who the fuck is the Luce aimed at? People who want to spend Ferrari money but hate Ferraris and everything they stand for?

JI Hélas! Design genius is rarely recognised in the lifetime of the genius designer. It is one's cross to bear. Think of the Sinclair C5. The Cybertruck. The, er ... (snaps fingers) Nkudu! My glass needs stirring! Stir my glass ...

Says it all ...