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| Joni demonstrates his signature contribution to the vocabulary of design, yesterday! "It looks simple, but therein lies its subtle genius!" |
You'll know Lord Joni Ives from his iconic designs for Apple Macintosh [home computer retailer - Ed.]. His signature form - a rectangle with rounded corners - was revolutionary in concept and sent shockwaves though industry and culture alike, profoundly influencing absolutely everything that was rectangular. Although best known for the iPhone - a glowing rectangle with rounded corners displaying a dizzying profusion of glowing rectangles with rounded corners - Joni hasn't been idle since those groundbreaking years! His post-Apple portfolio boasts such prestigious projects as an auctioneer's rostrum (non-glowing rectangle with rounded corners), an LED boat lantern (glowing rectangle with rounded corners) and a hi-fi turntable (rounding the corners to existing non-glowing rectangles). Given the depth and relevance of his experience, it's easy to see why Ferrari's youthful design chief Neppobambini Masturbani, 14, chose Joni to design their flagship battery-powered family runabout.
OUT went the raw excitement, glamour, craftsmanship, character, prestige, and colour of the most recognised brand in the world! IN came soothing silence, glowing rectangles with rounded corners, and a pastel palette informed by starter home bathroom suites!
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| The new Ferrari Luce, yesterday! |
We chatted poolside whilst [grammar - Ed.] Joni's youthful ward Nkudu stirred his Bailey's Créme de Menthe cocktail with a crystallized duck penis.
FT3 The reaction to your bold new design initiative is overwhelming!
JI (chuckling modestly) Well, influential YouTuber macasslicker958432 called it "genius", and who is one to disagree!
FT3 Talk us through the brief!
JI Neppobambini - dear boy! - said "I give you the free hand, Joni! Forget everything you know about world's most beloved car builder!" Which was news to me - I had no idea they made cars! (laughs)
FT3 (laughs) Well, you put a stop to that nonsense! Share prices fell off the roof! The first production model was ceremonially cremated by the Pope in the Vatican! And legacy Ferrari executives leapt through plate glass windows to their deaths!
JI One is honoured by the commission to design their coffins. One envisages (gestures in air) rectangles with rounded corners ... pastel colours ... no handles ...
FT3 Joni, at no point did anybody say, excuse me, but what the actual screaming fuck are you doing here?
JI (laughs)
FT3 Literally nobody saw what happened to Jaguar and Porsche? And who the fuck is the Luce aimed at? People who want to spend Ferrari money but hate Ferraris and everything they stand for?
JI Hélas! Design genius is rarely recognised in the lifetime of the genius designer. It is one's cross to bear. Think of the Sinclair C5. The Cybertruck. The, er ... (snaps fingers) Nkudu! My glass needs stirring! Stir my glass ...
[Tape runs out here - Ed.]