Personal Hygiene Dept. - Hey! America! You Got A Dirty Stinkin' Ass!

Try this simple test at home! Not in public!

- Insert finger between ass cheeks, rub tip against sphincter. Withdraw. (If you find the idea repellent, ask someone to do it for you).

- Raise finger to nose, inhale.

- Hmm. How much do you spend on toilet paper? For this?

You, right now. Yeesh.

I haven't used toilet paper for years, because I live in a civilised country where body odor of any kind is rightly considered worse than bad manners - it's an affront. Like most Thais, I clean my ass with water, using a bum gun. But before we get into that, consider this:

You traipse dog shit into the house, right into the carpet. Uh oh! What do you do? Give it a rub with a Kleenex and walk away, job done? I should hope not, goddammit. No, you get a cleaning product and some water and a brush and you scrub until the stain (and the stink) is gone. Tsk. Be more careful next time, and leave your shitty shoes outside (that's something else - we don't wear shoes in our homes here, because they're dirty from the street, duh).

So why do you think that rubbing a wad of paper into your butt cleft is going to clean it? Because you don't look down there, and don't care that much, because you're a disgusting slob. The paper looks clean after a couple of yards (and you do look at that, I guess - yeeuch!), but you still have shit clinging up there, and the hairier your ass the shittier it is. You may think it's natural and earthy, but it's just repulsive. Also, dry-rubbing your ass is cruel and unusual treatment leading to anal fissures and general soreness.

Sniff my butt. You know you want to.

The middle-class æsthete [left - Ed.] installs a bidet, because it's French and sophisticated, but this only solves the problem within the scented bower of their converted loft space, and it's plumbing overkill. Also, you have to waddle over there with your pants round your ankles and adjust the taps and I'm guessing US bidet users also wipe their asses with toilet paper anyway (*eyeroll emoji*).

Fooey on this disgusting, uncivilised behavior! Toilet paper manufacture and distribution and disposal is a huuuuuge ecological problem in itself, not the answer to any problem. And you don't need it, and it doesn't even work.

What to do? Install a bum gun. You'll need to plumb in an extra faucet (tap, spigot) where the water comes through the wall into the toilet tank. You attach the bum gun hose to this tap (faucet, spigot), hang the bum pistol on the hook supplied (which you'll need to attach to the wall), close at hand.

Bum guns are cheap out here (nearly everything is) and available from any supermarket or hardware store. You'll have to order online, because USA (*shudder*).

How to use? After voiding your bowels, reach back for your trusty bum gun. Leaning forward, aim it right up at your hairy old sphincter and pull the trigger. Feel the cool, cleansing effect of the water! It's such a pleasant experience, you might want to prolong it, but a few seconds is enough. How to dry? Use a hand towel you keep for the purpose. You don't have to scrub it right up there, just pat your flabby old cheeks dry while you're standing. And that's it. Used regularly as part of your bathroom regime, your ass will be as clean as a Swiss franc in a snowdrift. Test it, using the method detailed at the beginning of this piece! It will smell of nothing. Your ass will be grateful you stopped scrubbing it with low-grade pulp and synthetic product. It will not itch. And - no special chemical sprays or gels required.

America, you need to clean house. Start with your own ass.

Further reading: https://environmentamerica.org/washington/center/articles/the-real-problem-with-toilet-paper-where-it-comes-from/

"Americans are the world’s leader in toilet paper consumption. The average American uses over 140 rolls – that’s 28 pounds. Americans, just 4 percent of the world’s population, are responsible for 20 percent of global toilet paper consumption. And most of our toilet paper is made from virgin softwood pulp, with zero recycled paper content. In the $9.4 billion U.S. toilet paper market,  recycled products make up a paltry $161 million, or less than 2 percent."

Paper may cost around a buck per roll, so that's 140 bucks down the toilet every year, per random average American. Buying and installing a bum gun will cost about twenty bucks, add another couple for the faucet fixture. It's not rocket science plumbing one in. There's no reason for Mr. and Mrs. America not to have one. No reason at all for them to put up with all this shit.