We Are Not Worthy Dept. - Ted Templeman

Ted, the Van Halen years. Tinting by "DAVES PRINT N'DESINE SHOPPE PISMO BEACH!!! WALKINS WELCOME - PHONE AHEAD!! WHY NOT VISIT OUR WEBSITE DAVEDESINE27453@HOTMAIL.COM"

A colossus. A man of distinction, taste, and consummate skill. Also, artistry. Fuck Ted Templeman, culturally appropriating the life that was rightfully mine! Here I am, elderly, infirm, and washed up on the banks of the Mekong River, writing this screwy blog for a bunch of freeloadin' slobs instead of relaxing poolside with a gaggle of swell dames in Sacramento. Instead of being just a bum, which is what I am. Yeesh.

Ted started his musical career age three by winning some harmonica prize and appearing as "Ted the Tyke" on T.V's The Nunkie Bupkiss Show [citation needed - Ed.]. Then he formed The Tikis and got more pussy than a guy could handle with the help of The Harlem Globetrotters. The 4/5G© ain't done nothing to deserve it, but here's a rare test pressing of their unreleased album [antecedently FoamFeatured™ - Ed.].

He formed Harpers Bizarre [antecedently FoamFeatured™ - Ed.] with some ex-cons from a barbershop quartet in Leavenworth and garnered a bunch of good-timey hits. Gee whiz, pop history is a pain in th' ass. You could look this shit up if you didn't know it already. Grab some Harpers Bizarre albums, too, if you have a internet. It was th' Swinging Sixties™ - take a hinge at this here pitcher of moviedom's Raquel Welch [below - Ed.] for valuable historical context and content enrichment!

Photo courtesy Online Watermark Removal

Promoted to Artistes & Repertoire [Fr. - artists and reportery - Ed.], Ted discovered - but wait! We have to look at this here album first, which I'm betting you also don't have, ya cheap grifter. In a forbidden genetic experiment conducted by exiled Nazi scientists in a secret Bakersfield laboratory, Ted split himself into two and performed as The Templeton Twins, figuring to make twice the money. They recorded this here album, which is the biggest yok-fest you'll get all week. It's a bunch of self-serious pop hits (including Light My Fire, McArthur Park and, hilariously, Hey Jude, which will force a nasal beverage spit) arranged in an authentic 'thirties band style. Yes, I know, it sounds twee and camp and like any other 'sploitation release, but it's brilliantly done and lol-out-loud funny for all the right reasons. A lost classic? I say so, and so will you, as soon as you lose it! Let the liner notes tell it like it was:

"An album to watch ... and, perhaps, even to listen to." Say - these are our-type guys!

I was going to pen some more screed here about the swell acts Ted worked with over the decades and the swell albums he produced, but nuts to that, and nuts to you, too, Ted! What have you ever done for me?

4/5g© MichaelSnorkySmith (Real Name Reviewer) sends us this remixed cover art with useful CD-style back. Thanks, Snorkers!