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| When imagination fails - call for Foam-O-Graph©! |
Older readers [Regis and Melvinia Older, Cuckville, MO - Ed.] will know Ric Carrott for his unforgettable portrayal of troubled teen Chuck Cunningham in the Happy Days pilot, but few will know of his passion for jazz, suavé style! The luxury cruise ship Leke-Prufe, where he hosts the popular "Carrott's Cocktail Jazz" radio show, dropped anchor off th' IoF© and we relaxed in th' Conversation Pit O' Sound™ whilst Kreemé served chambréd Cheez Whiz® n' Chocolate Body Mist™smoothies.
FT3 Yo, Chuckster! Wassup my man! [attempts high five, fails, pretends to swat fly] Damn these flies!
RC Do not call me Chuckster, Okay? Or Chuckie, Chuckie-boy, or Chuck.
FT3 Huh? So -
RC The name ... is Ric. No k. Ric Carrott. Double r, double t. Not like the vegetable. Stress on the second syllable, like this - Caah-rott. Ric Caah-rott. Try that for me.
FT3 Ric Caah-rott? Tell us about your ship-board radio show!
RC Happy Days bought me a one-way ticket to where-are-they-nowsville. Bitter? Am I fucking bitter? I put my fucking life, my entire being into creating that role and it's sayonara before the first season! Two more actors suffered the Curse Of Chuck before Richie's elder brother disappeared entirely, airbrushed out of Cunningham family photographs and never referred to again. Okay, maybe a self-harming, borderline psychotic rent boy didn't sit well in a family values sit-com, but excuse me? That was the entire point! Those stupid fucking cu-
FT3 Ri-ight! So! That Cocktail Jazz show! We're hearing it's a big succ-
RC Sure, I got work, I'm an actor. But producers thought of me as this nipple-pierced weirdo. I was cursed. Know who I blame? Potsie. Fucking Potsie. He hated that shower scene.
FT3 [laughs] I see you brung a couple albums which to share wit' th' Four Or Five Guys©! Always good to see some love for Hubert Laws!
RC Ralphie Malphie? Fuck him. Fuck him. Has he auditioned for Strindberg off-Broadway? Recorded motivational corporate video voice-overs for Baby Bernie's Famous Adult Pacifiers™? I think not!
[Kreemé leans in to whisper to FT3]
FT3 What's that, Kreemé? [leaps to feet, waving arms] TH' BARN IS ON FIRE?!?
Luckily, subscribers, in his unseemly haste to skeedaddle, th' Chuckster left behind a swell brace o' longplaying elpees, to whit A Hero Is Just A Sambwidge, and Laws' Cause [pitchered abovely - Ed.]. Gee, do they ever make for relaxin' lissnin' of a Sabbath morn! Slip into your tassel loafers, Nehru shirt, Angel Flight© slax an' ree-lax! Fuck everything! You totally deserve this!
In a bewildering change of protocol, the Stealth Link© is encrypted within the body of the post, up there, not down here in a comment. I fondly hope this will encourage some of youse bums to give the screed more than just a passing glance on your way down to the frothy playground of the comments.
ReplyDeleteI read the scread just for itself, and it is pretty swell. Yoiu're also a weirdo, but that's about 95% of the FTIII charm I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteI gotta say the crosswiring of off-kilter pop culture references in these here screeds of yours are also having quite the "would you like to find out more?"-effect. Off I am to find out more about Richie's disappearing brother(s)...
Thanks Farq! I'm willing to sell the sure-fire marketing idea of "Hube's Pubes" to the highest bidder. whosegottadolla, whosegottadolla, doihear2dolla, 2dolla, comeonenow, habedihabedihabedi, comeonnow, helpmesomebody!
ReplyDeleteRead the screed, indeed! I always read the screed. Many are the things I have learned from FT3, and some of them are even true.
ReplyDeleteToday's screed left me wondering: who set the barn on fire? Was it Ralph Malph? Or was he just Potsie's patsy? What's the bird's eye lowdown on this caper?
Color me disappoint that my groundbreaking journalism doesn't get the love it should. Some people still think that I "created" Sid Slaw, Fred McMurray's stunt double.
DeleteBut I do love your journalism! I may not respect it in the morning, but believe me, sailor boy: I love it long time!
DeleteHey, Jonder - didja download the Hero Is Nuthin' But A Sambwidge album? It's a beautiful piece of work - a barefoot walk along the sea's edge.
DeleteI listened to it today, thanks! The funkiest flautist since Herbie Mann flaunted his hirstute fluteness on the "Push Push" elpee!
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