Every rock critic knows
The Shoes came from Zion, which is like in Israel. What they don't know is they're actually from Sion, in France. Jim-Bob and DeWayne von Schüe were the sons of Otto von Schüe, direct descendant of the Knights Templar and ninth in line to the Merovingian throne, then occupied by Fish (out of Marillion). The boys were passing the Grail around with Fish when he suggested they form a band. The rest is history.
Let's start at the very beginning - a very good place to start - with
Heads Or Tails, which I ain't gots, and youse neither. Four copies known to exist of this 10", when Fish was still in the band, one of which is buried in the tomb of Adam Weishaupt under the Lincoln Memorial. Westernising their name, they moved to Paris, where they recorded
One In Versailles. under the patronage of Hiram, Duc de Clignancourt.
The success of
One In Versailles (reaching #1 on the Versailles country chart) led to them being picked up by Black Vinyl Records, owned by reclusive foot fetishists the Barclay Twins. The loaddown is the CD version of
Black Vinyl Shoes, which differs slightly from the original vinyl (which I had, fact fans, complete with shoelace sticker!).
Next time, we document the band's move to Elektra, and the discovery of the genome (or G) string in Otto von Schüe's effects.
Want these swell albums? Tell the D.F.M.® (data fracking mainframe) your most satisfying act of personal hygiene (mine, since you ax, is cutting nostril hair with a cassette blade from a Bic disposable).
ReplyDeleteFull Brazilian.
ReplyDeleteOh I say.
DeleteDaily mental flossing . . .
ReplyDelete--Joe Beats, VP, Shoes for the Dead, Ltd.
Ooh! Ooh! I got a good one! I used ear candles to remove ear wax & it's so worth it. ( still a bit embarrassing to discuss publicly )
ReplyDeleteAnyone get their 'anus' bleached? lol!
ReplyDelete"lol!"? Where do you think you are, the internet?
DeleteI think dental hygiene should count, right?!
ReplyDeleteGetting a half destroyed wisdom tooth pulled out two and a half hours ago, then...
Fun. Tooth fragments regularly fall from my mouth. It's like an Ed Wood movie set in there.
DeleteUpper-body Man-scaping, twice a year. If not, a Guerilla I'd be...
ReplyDeleteI once took an electric beard trimmer to my nasal pelt.
ReplyDeleteNicked a blood vessel and bled for what seemed like hours.
Because it was hours.
We ended up cancelling the dinner party we were invited to.
Break off a plastic blade cartridge from a disposable. Hold one end flat twixt finger and thumb. Rotate other end in nostril harvesting hair, rinse under tap, repeat. Never once nicked me nose, innit.
DeleteWe installed bidet attachments on our toilets and will no longer abide talk of so-called "hygiene" from people with skid marks in their underdrawers.
ReplyDeleteBidet? Totally unnecessary and over-complicated (a bit like the French, who actually don't know what a bidet is). You want a bum gun - the finest advance in toilet hygiene since the invention of porcelain. I haven't used toilet paper (*shudder*) in twenty years, yet my ringpiece is as clean as a Swiss franc in a snowdrift.
Delete(Or is a "bidet attachment" a posh name for the bum gun?)
Mounts under the back of the toilet seat and taps into the toilet supply line. Turning on water pressure causes the nozzle to direct the jet toward the "target." Dab delicately at "target" with one or two folded pieces of toilet paper with both pinkies extended, quivering with unexpected pleasure. Let's do this again real soon.
DeleteHow do you aim it accurately at the "target" - the "yodelling starfish" as it's sometimes known?
DeleteAre there crosshairs?
The bum gun - standard equipment out here - is a gun-style valve on a flexible tube attached to the toilet water supply by a tap, hooked onto the wall next to the cistern. The small amount of aiming technique is soon learned, and you dry your cheeks/perineum with a hand towel - standing - for the purpose. No paper involved. When I had to travel back to the UK (no longer a requirement) I always found wiping my arse with paper inefficient, wasteful, and frankly a little disgusting.
DeleteDrying with a hand towel? Like a cloth towel? Or a paper towel?
DeleteA hand towel - a small cloth used for drying hands, often found hung next to wash basins.
DeleteShouldn't the Cathars figure in here somewhere? As well as the Wrong-eyed Jesus?
ReplyDeletemientras tanto, quien es mas macho que Babs...damn
I am plagued by needing a daily application of Wimmin-Off, the Miracle Pherenome Killer.
ReplyDeleteOn the Schwanzstücker?
Deletecan't speak for anyone else, but you made me laugh...
DeleteYes, Babs, and with a Brazilian accent.
DeleteThere's a "Boys from Brazil" joke, here, somewhere.
DeleteShoes for Industry? You got me all excited there, but who are these American imposters?
ReplyDeleteTried to get it clean and squeaky, but nicked the bobby and had to go to the emergency room.. They Put 2 Staples in.
ReplyDeleteEmbarrassing,,,, and in this case, the cure was worse than the bite.
john
Next time, let me know. I have a staple gun you can borrow.
DeleteA BIG smiley faceed thanks!@
Deletejohn the lame
ReplyDeleteFootwear.
Gracias for the footwear, mi amigo.
ReplyDeleteHappy they're your size, Konrad! More stylish pairs brought from the storeroom soon.
DeleteSurprised no one mentioned Tongue Scraper -- everyone should have one!
ReplyDelete