Under The Radar Dept. - Blondie Chaplin

 

Recentish photo for unrecent album, because it's great.

Leave us face it, Blondie Chaplin's weather-beaten pan ain't the type to make a dame swoon. Flinch, maybe. But inside that much-traveled luggage beats the heart of a gentleman musician. He's the type guy what gets along with everybody, and is possessed of [grammar - Ed.] a voice that fit right in with the Beach Boys. Which is worth thinking about - that's some set of pipes. After the Beach Boys gig ended - because reasons - he paid his bar tab by sitting in with anybody who'd have him. Obscure local combos like, uh, The Band. And The Rolling Stones. Fifteen years with the Stones. I mean gee whiz.

He also found time to cut some swell solo albums. The self-titled debut [left- Ed.] from 1977 is straight ahead rock n' roll (as the cover subtly hints) with all the stellar support Asylum could bus into the studio.

The Fragile Thread [above- Ed.] is a stone (SWIDT) delight, with Ronnie Wood, Keith Richards and Chuck Leavell providing the backing. Recorded in 2001, it was shelved for "business reasons" that obviously upset the poor guy, because he avoids the subject. You'd be upset too, if you'd poured your soul into your music and the legal department couldn't get its shit together. Here it is anyway.

 

Between Us, from 2006,  has a leaner, airier sound. That's enough music criticism. He writes, he sings, he plays some dexterous gee-tar. You should be so blessed.

Thirty Minutes Dept. - Songs That Nobody Should Have To Listen To Again - Important Update!!

Nuanced, elegant design courtesy FMF™ Art Department Of Art Dept. - Mister Businessman! Ask to see our portfolio!

That's Elvis Costello's dad leading things off in fine style, followed by the very wonderful Celtic Woman, possibly the most vacuous music act since GWAR. The Chipmunks break the mood nicely and lead us seamlessly into "Dame" Judi Dench's bowel-clenching version of Send In The Clowns. James Last's version of Mack The Knife is saturated with his signature cluelessness, and then there's some gay Scotsmen in skirts for one time only playing something not heard at funerals. Who better than Wayne Newton, barely able to stand, to husk his way through the evergreen My Way? It's the definitive performance. The Templeton Twins' epic Beatles Medley will leave not a dry eye in the house, and the Sons Of The Pioneers warble plaintively over the end credits and the Dolby® logo.

IS JUST IN THIS JUST IN THIS JUST IN THIS JUST IN TH

Berendina "Bernie" Hoefizger [left - Ed.], Curator of 20C Contemporary Music at swanky Smithsonian Museum (Wash, DC) has accepted Thirty Minutes Of Songs That Nobody Should Have To Listen To Again into the permanent collection! This is an honor that does credit not only to the lively online community here at th' IoF©, but also to other stuff I can't think of right now.

In her statement to the press, Bernie had this to say:

"Thirty Minutes Of Songs That Nobody Should Have To Listen To Again is testament to the courage and yes, the frailty, of human endeavor. Here is sadness, here is joy, here is the inexpressible yearning of the spirit of humanity given voice. Plus also, it's only like half an hour long, which is a boon for folks such as like I suffering from incurable disease such as like the ebolas I got, and only days left to live. Bless you, Farq, and th' Four Or Five Guys© for making my last days mo- *thud*"

Thank you, Bernie!

 

This post made possible thru the co-operation of th' Four Or Five Bums©

Spooky Synchronicity Dept. - Ted Templeman Predicts Future!

For the first time ever, again - the swellest album ever made! Now in bite-size chewy chunks!

Th' Four Or Five Guys© what can cast their frayed minds back to the last post, which looked like it was about Susanna Hoffs [below left - Ed.] but was really about Elephant Stone but was really really about choosing songs nobody should ever have to listen to again - will find today's post of shocking significance!

The intense selection process, wherein the finest minds on the planet - and Snorky - cast their votes for songs they'd rather pepper spray their own eyeballs than listen to again, threw up three Beatles songs. Yesterday, Hey Jude, and Something. Just those three.

As I started to curate the album, I remembered hearing a camp twenties version of Hey Jude, which I wished to audition for inclusion. Accessing th' IoF© data banks, I found The Templeton Twins' overlooked classic, Trill It Like It Was, antecedently FoamFeatured©. Scanning the sleeve notes, I was astonished to see three Beatles songs given the Trill Treatment. Can you guess which songs? No? Okay, I'll tell you. Yesterday, Hey Jude, and Something. 

This is conclusive proof that Ted Templeman, boy genius behind the Twins, could see into the future, rendering all existing models of time and attendant theories pertaining thereto redundant, and also slightly stupid-looking. I decided there and then to combine the tracks into a swell medley that would be the high point of the album, sort of like the second side of Abbey Road. Only shorter. And, it has to be said, funnier. Here's where the story leaves the realm of the supernatural and gets boring, so you can skip to the comments right now. If you've read this far. Which I doubt.

I'd originally uploaded a continuous play version of the album. Nobody likes these, and I doubt it got many plays. Looking at the waveform, I understood why I'd taken the easy way out. The gaps between the tracks are about one pixel [audio engineering term - Ed.] wide. It was cut as continuous play. But I wanted separated tracks, so I snapped on my Mad Doctor Eyeball and had Kreemé [left, 18 my ass - Ed.], fetchingly attired in nurse's uniform, pass me my sharpest scalpel. Long I labored and assiduously, into the watches of the night, refreshed only by Kreemé's delicate attentions.

As the first rays of the sun filtered through the high cobwebbed window of my laboratory, I gazed in awe at the result of my labors and, I confess, I cried in exultation! There before me, very probably for the first time ever in the universe, lay a version of this swell album digitally presented as eleven separate tracks. Do you care? Do I care if you care? Do you care if I care if I care? Hoo hah?

This post sponsored by Pat n' Matt's Beer Mat Hats©, out of Butt Butte, IA.

Susanna Hoffs Presents The Best Band You Never Heard Dept. - Elephant Stone

In rarely-seen image, Ms Hoffs aligns chakras in mystic Tibetan ritual!

Well okay, the th' Four Or Five Guys© are well versed in contemporary psych-rock, and there may be roughly three of 'em who've heard of this swell combo. Even they (the goddamn pencil-neck know-alls) will probably find something in this Bumper BlisterPak™ what they ain't gots.

Sultry, pouting Susanna Hoffs is no stranger to the scented shores of th' IoF©, in fact it's hard to get rid of the doll. When I let it slip I was going to FoamFeature© the Ellies - as absolutely nobody is calling them - she caught the next bathysphere out of Mandalay to host this very special Jangular Jamboree™!

We relaxed poolside whilst Kreemé served her signature Lighter Fluid n' Anchovy Smoothies and Susi waxed loquacious anent her favorite sitar-centric combo!

SH Doesn't that girl own any clothes?

FT3 My apologies. Her bikini is in the wash. So! Elephant Stone!

SH I am like so digging this band! I can't understand why they're not huge? I mean, elephants are huge.

FT3 Stones can be huge, too. But then they're more like rocks.

SH And talking of rocks - this band does!

FT3 Okaayyy - (looks at watch) I think that's enough content. Nobody reads this crap, anyway. Susikins? I have to go wait in the lounge? Nothing personal. There's this killer sudoku I need to finish (rubs palms enthusiastically).

SH Oh - sure. Can you send Kreemé out with some snacks, maybe a quart of silicone lube and an oven mitt?

[Audio runs out at this point. Contact me for security footage - Ed. ]

This post made possible thru' grants from Concerned Confederate Couchfuckers, a non-profit used furniture logistics initiative out of Perineum, TN.

Records What I Thunk Was Already On Th' Isle O' Foam© But Turn Out To Be Missing Consarn It Dept. - Chrysalis

This is a genuine solid lost classic album, no really. Just grab it and we can chat in the comments should youse bums be desirous!

(Still trying to find legible sleeve notes)