Merch Dept. - Jeff Beck Launches Own-Brand Croc Buttons™

No AI was used in the creation of this parody masterclass

Raven-tressed Jeff Beck is no stranger to the shores of th' IoF©! Yes, the in-demand trade fair gear demonstrator wowing NAMM™ Show attendees [below - Ed.] has antecedently honored th' Isle with his Hummel Figurine© collection! So what is the Sultan Of The Stomp Box up to these days? Seeing as how he hasn't recorded shit since them jazz-funk cut-outs fifty years back? What's that you say? You don't remember them so good neither? Okay, how about since Happenings Ten Years Time Ago, more like sixty years time ago? Hard nope? You've heard of him, though, right? I mean, the guy's iconic ...

 

Whammy Bar Wizard wows crowd with virtuoso volume knob demonstration!

 

Turns out The Prince Of The Pick Guard [getting desperate much? - Ed.] has been secretly prepping what will be one of this season's most exciting leisure footwear initiatives - his signature range of music gear-themed Jeff Beck™ Croc© Buttons®! Oboy! The Maharajah Of The Machine Head [oh, stop! - Ed.] dropped by th' Isle O' Foam© yestiddy to grant th' Four or Five Guys© an exclusive sneak preview of this magnificent merchaganza! We relaxed poolside whilst Kreemé [left, and eighteen my ass - Ed.] served homemade whelksfoot and hamwater smoothies garnished with deep-fried larks' eyeballs in a nest of drain hair.

Kreemé, yestiddy

FT3 So! Th' Führer o' th' Fretboard! Welcome! Lookin' good! Is that your real hair?

JB [adjusts wig] It's me signature barnet, innit. 'Ere - where's that bird gone?

FT3 Talk us though this, uh, Croc Button bullshit you got going...

JB Well, I completed me 'Ummel Figurine collection some time ago, an' I was lookin' for somethin' to occupy me time.

FT3 Why not try to make one great album before you die? Just one fucking album that doesn't make us cover our face with our hands?

JB [sulkily] Could if I wanted to. Just don't want to.

FT3 Ri-ight. Croc Buttons? Seriously?

JB Yeah! I started givin' 'em away at trade fairs, little miniature control knobs an' effects pedals an' that the chicks could plug into their sandals. I mean, there are no chicks at those things, but the idea was to attract a new audience. Chicks, mainly. Does Kreemé wear Crocs©? Wouldn't mind pluggin' 'er 'oles! [laughs]

FT3 Ye-ess ... you brung some albums for th' Four Or Five Guys©?

JB Nah. Don't listen much to records these days. Mind you, never did! [laughs]

FT3 [laughs]

This piece, especially commissioned by Johannes Adam Ferdinand Alois Josef Maria Marco d'Aviano Pius, Hans-Adam Prince of Liechtenstein [left - Ed], celebrates and commemorates over three million visits to th' IoF©, made by hundreds of thousands of freeloading ingrates, arm-chancers, merry-andrews and raggedy-ass bums with nothing better to do. My thanks to you all. Well, very nearly all.