Shocking Truth! Dept. - The Forbidden Redacted Of Doris n' Rock! CLEAN VERSION

 

"I knew her before she was a redacted," as Oscar Levant, or someone like him, once said. Doris was the girl next door that guys felt a tad icky fantasizing about, like she was closely related. Finding yourself looking at her redacted was ... ooff. She had all the attributes of a sex goddess except the sex. Like a vegetarian meal, there was something very basic missing from a dish that looked good enough to eat. But privately, Doris was saving herself for the secret passion in her life, a steamy saga of backstage redacted that can only now be revealed!

When I told Doris she was to be the subject of a FoamFeature®, she caught the next dirigible out of Fernando Po to make an exclusive in-person appearance at th' Isle O' Foam©, promising to reveal all about H'wood Hunk Rock Hudson! Join us as we relax poolside while Kreemé serves her signature Pickle n' Dingleberry™ Smoothies!

FT3 Heyyy Do-Do! Lookin' good!

DD Likewise I'm sure!

FT3 I thought we might discuss your music career first, your influences and artistic development, but th' Four Or Five Guys© would reflex-click right out, so I suggest we dive right in - as it were! - to Rock Hudson?

DD He was an animal! A beast! I couldn't have kept him out my redacted if I wanted to, which I didn't! What all-American girl next door would?

FT3 None? I guess? How did you guys meet?

DD It was at one of Nancy Reagan's fundraising redacted Suppers? It was my turn in the box, and the guys paid a thousand bucks to put their, you know, through the hole! It was the most fun, and I was second only to Nancy herself in raising funds! So anyway, that night it was a benefit for redacted orphans, and I knew it was Rock's turn in the hole because he had this tattoo, with his name and phone number! So later I (finger-waggle) "got a ride" in the back of his limo to his swank Beverly Hills home, and from that night on it was BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! (laughs) He wasn't called Rock for nothing!

FT3 Ri-ight. Well, this kind of runs counter to the well-known fact he was redacted?

DD Let me tell you that Rock's career and private life were very expertly handled by his agent Hy Nussbaum, a dear, dear friend, and he very professionally created and manipulated the Is Rock redacted? narrative in order to protect me! My career depended on being perceived as the eternal redacted, and if word gotten out that I was being redacted by Rock it would have been the end for us both in Tinseltown!

FT3 But he died of redacted?

DD (winks lasciviously) Who do you think gave it to him? Rock, ever the gentleman, took our secret to the grave. I did the same, incidentally.

FT3 Well, this has been, uh ... anyway, you have an album for us?

DD Surely! It's a swell collection of beloved melodies delivered in my trademark come-hither contralto!

This post made possible thru th' mentorship of th' Monty Muntz Mentor Manor, Monticello, NY "Just in back of the bus station restroom!"