Modern Life Dept. - Terminal Retirement Facility Opens In Florida!

 

Lifelike Animatronic™ replicas of lovable iconic celebrities welcome guests with hugs, candy!

 

Spreading over one thousand acres of partially reclaimed swampland is Florida's best-kept secret! Terminal Retirement Facility World© offers free and permanent residential care for poor, huddled masses too long ignored by governmental interference!

No-brainer, yesterday

Youthful CEO Marius Borg Høiby [left, Ed.], heir to the throne of Scanadia, granted IoF© exclusive interview via encrypted Skype™ call yesterday. 

MBH We're really proud of what we've achieved! Florida is the iconic One Star State here in South America.

FT3 You were a surprise appointment as prexy-in-chief - how did that come about?

MBH Well, I'm a white, rich, blond male with a track record that speaks for itself. Multiple counts of rape, Class A drug offences, and a privileged upbringing with absolutely no experience of running anything except my mouth. Sounds like a no-brainer to me! [laughs]

FT3 So - tell us a little about your service!

MBH Our core demographic is pretty much exclusively ni- non-white. Even off-white you stand a good chance of acceptance. Brown, beige, the muddy end of the diversity spectrum. Ni- excuse me - non-whites are typically disenfranchised outsiders, and we want them to feel included and above all cared for. For the rest of their lives. And that's my personal guarantee. [winks suggestively]

FT3 Talk us through the process!

MBH Our highly trained Hospitality Teams [above - Ed.] visit customers at their homes and escort them free of charge to the Facility. We're passionate about excellence in service, and believe that care starts in the home. We accompany clients away from their families in absolute security.

FT3 What about the families left behind? The children? 

MBH Nobody will be left behind. Let me make that quite clear. The children, especially, are a valuable commod- [puts hand to earpiece] valued part of the community, and will receive the loving care denied them in a poverty-stricken family environment. They'll get party clothes, fun trips to exotic hideaway countries, and a free Happy Meal! The pretty ones, anyway.

FT3 Future plans?

MBH Glad you asked! Once the n- non-white demographic has been serviced, we have very exciting plans to include other exclusioned sectors of society. The confused, the elderly, the physically challenged. Basically, those who don't quite reach the standards expected of Americans.

FT3 Thanks for your time, Your Highness!

MBH Heil-  e-selassi! [sounds of sniffing close up, woman sobbing in background]