Swell Readin' Dept. - Lumpy Gravy Libretto

Possibly the finest lyrics to grace any instrumental album. Sing along!

Spider: The way I see it, Barry, this should be a very dynamite show.

Spider: Bit of nostalgia for the old folks!

Gilly: I'm advocating dark clothes.
Becky: If I'm not alone . . . How long have I been asleep?
Gilly: As long as I have.
Maxine: Did you ever live in a drum?
Becky: No.
Maxine: Well then you aren't me.
Gilly: I only dreamt I lived in a drum. Ever since it got dark. Dreaming is hard.
Susan Kelly: Yea, but with nothing over your head?
Gilly: No, just light, over my head. And underneath too.
Susan Kelly: I don't think I could take it without anything over my head.
Maxine: Mm-mmh, me neither.
Becky: Well why don't you go out and see what's out there?
Gilly: Well . . . I don't know if that's what's out there.
Maxine: Now that's a thought.
Gilly: Yes . . .
Maxine: If you'd like . . .
Gilly: But still you can say darker and darker. I don't know what the outside of this thing looks like at all.
Guy #1: I do. It's dark and murky.
John Kilgore: How do you get your . . . your water so dark?
Guy #1: 'Cause I'm paranoid. I'm very paranoid. And the water in my washing machine turns dark out of sympathy.
John Kilgore: Out of sympathy?
Guy #1: Yes.
John Kilgore: Um . . . where can I get that?
Guy #1: At your local drugstore.
John Kilgore: How much?

Guy #1: It's from Kansas.

Motorhead: Bored out .90 over with three Stromberg 97s.

Larry: Almost Chinese, huh?
Girl #1: Yeah!
Motorhead: Good bread, 'cause I was making, uh . . . $2.71 an hour

Motorhead: I keep switching girls all the time, because if I'm able to find a girl with really a groovy car that ain't build up, man, I'll go steady with her for a while until I'd build up her car and blow out the engine! I worked in a cheesy newspaper company for a while but that was terrible, I wasn't making enough money to build anything . . . And then I worked in a printing company and a coupla gas stations. Oh, at the gas station where I was working my brother just got married, and uh . . . he bought a new car and his wife was having a kid and all this miserable stuff, and he needed a job so I gave him a job at the gas station of which I was fired because, you know, he was gonna work there. And he had his car on the rack and he was lubing and changing tires and everything all the time. And so they got fired because he was goofing off, man, and he just kept taking parts and working on his car day and night. And so he lost that job and he went to work in another gas station. He took that one, you know, so he could feed the kids and that. And I went to work in an aircraft company, and uh . . . I was building these planes. I worked on the XB-70, I was the last welder on there. Yeah but, it was pretty good bread because I was making, uh . . . $2.71 an hour. I was making a hundred and a quarter a week, and uh . . . yeah, it was good enough money to be working on, so I got an Oldsmobile, a groovy Olds. But I was going with this chick at that time. By the time I got the Olds running decently, she went out and tore up the engine, and the trans, and a—her and a girlfriend they get in there and booze it up and tear up the seats. Just ripped the seats completely out. So uh . . . when, I got a '56 Olds, which was this one chick's I was going with, and uh . . . we used to drive out all over the place and finally she got rid of that, and uh . . . I got another pickup!

Yeah, man . . . full speed power . . . yeah, baby . . . but anyway, man . . . I put sixteen bucks . . . aw yeah . . . hot daddy . . . whiskey . . . tornado . . . where it's at, baby . . . Otis Redding, Joe Tex . . .

Oh man, I don't know if I can go through this again!

Ronnie Williams: Buh-bah-bahdn
Spider: Oh!
John: There it went again..
Spider: It's a little pig . . . with wings
Pig With Wings: EE . . .
Gross Man: I hear you've been having trouble with pigs and ponies!

Calvin: To . . . just the opposite . . . going around to the other direction

Calvin: How 'bout us, don't we get any?
Gail: We don't get any . . .
Calvin: That's very distraughtening
Gail: We don't get any because we're otherwise

Spider: Everything in the universe is . . . is . . . is made of one element, which is a note, a single note. Atoms are really vibrations, you know, which are extensions of THE BIG NOTE, everything's one note. Everything, even the ponies. The note, however, is the ultimate power, but see, the pigs don't know that, the ponies don't know that. Right?
Monica: You mean just we know that?
Spider: Right!

Spider: "Merry Go Round! Merry Go Round! Do-Do-Do-Do Do-Do-Do Do-Do-Do!" and they called that "doing their thing."
John: Oh yeah, that's what doing your thing is!
Spider: The thing is to put a motor in yourself.

Louis: Grrr . . . Arf arf arf ar-ar-ar-ar-ar! Teeth out there, and ready to attack 'em. . . I had to fight back and hit 'em, like . . . you know . . . hit 'em and hit 'em and hit 'em, and . . . kick 'em and kick 'em and . . .
Roy: Did they get on top of you?
Louis: No, I fought so back, hard back, and, it was . . .
Roy: Hard back?
Louis: White!
Roy: White?
Louis: Yeah, white ugliness
Roy: Did it have teeth?
Louis: And it was two, it was two boogey-men that were on the side and, we were . . . already blocked the entrance, so I had to . . . I had to kick, I had to fight to f-four or five boogey-men in front of me . . .
Roy: Then . . . but maybe he can turn into . . . I wonder if he could maybe be [...] PFFFT!
Louis: Yes, extremely vicious
Roy: I don't know, those po— . . . I heard those ponies are really vicious!
Louis: I know . . . but, I know they're vicious, but they . . .
Roy: Their claws!
Louis: He d-d . . . he doesn't have to be able to do it
Roy: They get on top of you, and they just tear you apart
Louis: I know . . .
Roy: Tee . . .
Louis: Scars over here, see, scars right here. Yeah . . .
Roy: Teeth to limb! Teeth to limb! I mean, toe to ta— . . . man, I hope they don't get him
Louis: Ponies! I-i-if-if, if . . . is . . .
Roy: Was it white? Are you sure it wasn't w-white, I mean, uh, black, or . . .
Louis: Well, I think they're white, but I was too scared to notice their physical . . .
Roy: Gold or something?
Louis: I was too, I was too scared to no . . . n-no . . . uh-no . . . uh-notice their physical, ahh . . . appearance, 'cause they . . . they-they were attackin' me!
Roy: They were?
Louis: Yeah, they were . . . they were attackin' me!
Roy: What were they doin' to you?
Louis: Well, they were . . . they were like, they were . . . comin' and surroundin' me 'n everything else, and they were attackin' me and I had to fight back, fight, fight and fight back and . . . pick up sticks . . .
Roy: Pick-up-sticks?
Louis: Yes, pick up sticks, you know?
Roy: I used to play that game, Pick-up-sticks
Louis: Me too, did you ever play that game?
Roy: Yeah!
Louis: Yes! That's funny! HA HA HA!
Roy: Anyway, come back to the horse . . . back to the horse? To the pony
Louis: HA HA HA HA! Now . . .
Roy: Anyway . . .
Louis: Yes, pony, or . . .
Roy: President . . .
Louis: Or pope, I dunno, ah, I dunno . . .
Roy: I don't know . . .
Louis: Something down there is dangerous.
Roy: Could be a cigar or somethin'
Louis: Yeah . . .
Roy: A cigar?
Louis: A cigar? Naw, you're insane, come on!
Roy: Nohhh, no . . . I remember when I was a . . . no I don't remember. Those were the days!
Louis: Boy, you must spend all your life down here!
Roy: That was before the days of those horses
Louis: Yes, before the days of the . . . all the . . . ow-uh . . . ponies or boogey-men or somethin', what's out there
Roy: But then there was a . . . what was it then? No pimples?
Louis: No, I never did.
Roy: Sure!
Louis: Positively
Roy: You had to have 'em.
Louis: Naw, naw . . .
Roy: You've got one right in your nose right now!
Louis: HA HA HA HA! Scrtch-ch-ch! Scratchin' them . . .
Roy: Boy, I'm gettin' tired, man. We should go . . .
Louis: Oh, yes . . .
Roy: We should go to sleep
Louis: Oh, yeah . . .
Roy: I just hope he comes back . . .
Louis: Yes . . . Listen!
Roy: I think I'll pray for him
Louis: I think I'll join you
Roy: You do yours and I'll do mine . . .
Louis: Okay . . . HA HA HA HA!
Roy: And we'll hope for the best. HEH HEH HEH!
Louis: HA HA HA HA HA! I'll pray for [...] Motorhead
Roy: Now I lay me down to sleep . . .

Roy: Amen!
Louis: Amen . . .

Ronnie Williams: Oh yeah! That's just fine! Come on boys! Just one more time!

Spider: I think I can explain about . . . about how the pigs' music works
Monica: Well, this should be interesting
Spider: Remember that they make music with a very dense light, and remember about the smoke standing still and how they . . . they really get uptight when you try to move the smoke, right?
Monica: Right
John: Yeah?
Spider: I think the music in that dense light is probably what makes the smoke stand still. Any sort of motion has this effect on . . . on the ponies' manes. You know, the thing on their neck
John: Hmm . . .
Spider: As soon as the pony's mane starts to get good in the back any sort of mo . . . motion, especially of smoke or gas, begins to make the ends split.
John: That's the basis of all their nationalism. Like if they can't salute the smoke every morning when they get up . . .
Spider: Yeah, it's a vicious circle. You got it.

Gross Man: Pony!

Larry: Drums are too noisy, 'n you've got no corners to hide in!

John: So when she's beating him over the nose with a tire iron. and then we both jump away and disappear, and the pig will turn around and there'll be this pony

Spider: Oh no, man . . .
Monica: Oh . . .
Spider & Monica: Kangaroos!
Monica: And then they eat it when they get home
John: If it's still alive

Spider: Envelops the bath tub

Calvin: 'Cause round things are . . . are boring . . . hhh . . .

Original transcription edited from St. Alphonzo's Pancake Homepage. And a reminder that the album clocks in at just over thirty minutes.