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| Cover Art© IoF© Art Department o' Art Dept. |
Inclusivity is a long and revered tradition here at th' IoF©! Our trail-blazing recognition of basic human rights for Bikini Testers has garnered plaudits worldwide, and our award-winning For Girls! series has adapted the most off-puttingly "difficult" bands to the sensitive tastes of the "weaker sex" (bless 'em!). Think of the series as the musical equivalent of Classics Illustrated comics [below left - Ed.] ! Those popular abridgements of otherwise unreadable literary masterpieces such as Moby Dick and Don Quixote instilled a love of Fine Literature in a whole generation!
We've smoothed out those "rough edges", concentrating on the more hummable qualities of this oft-challenging combo! And although the purist may carp that some of the selections - blended seamlessly into a Thirty-Minute Medley O' Melody™ - are solo performances, no dolly-bird is going to bother her pretty little head about that!
So, if you know any girls [you're kidding, right? - Ed.], or maybe someone you know does, why not give them a copy of this swell long-playing album LP record? Its feminine allure is heightened by the oh-so-sensitive cover design, making it a swell companion for her Peter, Paul and Mary albums!
TAB HUNTER SEZ!
"Say, fellers! This sure is one neat recording! Using the latest hi-fi equipment, Farq has created a disc which is sure to hit that coveted Number One spot nationwide! And let's get one thing straight - this isn't just for the gals! Why, there's plenty for us guys to dig, too! I like to play it while I relax poolside with such husky H'wood hunks as Rock Hudson, Monty Clift, Cesar Romero, Ray Burr, Randy Scott, Tony Perkins, Jimmy Dean, and Tom Cruise! They all agree this is Manly Music for the guy of today, and you will too!
Your Pal, Tab!"
This piece created in a fit of cabin fever during the rainy season. Please address all complaints to Babs.
Join in the undignified scramble for the deliverable by listing your Top Three Worst Bands! Here's how it works: think of the band you hate the most, then put that at the top of the list! That's your "number one"! Now comes the tricky bit! What's the band you hate nearly as much? Hmmm! Thinking caps on, fellows! That's your "number two"! To round out your list of three, think of another band you wish you'd never heard! That's your "number three" right there!
ReplyDeleteIf you don't really "hate" any band, but have a mild dislike for some, go through the exercise with this parameter in mind!
If you can't think of any bands at all right now, come back later when the meds kick in!
A = Abba
ReplyDeleteB = Beegees
C = Car-penters
D = Cire Straits
E = Eagles
F = Fleetwood Mac (after 1974)
G = Grateful Dead
H = Hall & Oates
I = Inxs
J = Jefferson Airplane/Starship
K = Kiss
L = Led Zeppelin
M = Metalica
N = Nitty Fritty Dirt Band
O = Oak Ridge Boys
P = Paul Simon
Q = Quicksilver Messenger Service
R = Rolling Stones
S = Simon & Garfunkel
T = Toto
U = You Too
V = Vangelis
W = Waits, Tom
X = surprisingly empty (I kinda liked XTC)
Y = Yes
Z = ZZ Top
You should have quit while you were ahead.
DeleteAny combo of three for me, Farq. Pass the helium puh-lease
DeleteElton John
ReplyDeleteT Rex
The Doors
I don't post comments very often, but I read your blog and its comments regularly. Thanks for the giggles. Duncan
And well done on your Top Two! Alas, your third choice forces me to operate this here lever to open the trapdoor under your feet.
DeleteI Like the rest of the band, but Morrison was an overrated wanker.
DeleteWithout him, they were just a competent LA go-go band:
Deletehttps://falsememoryfoam.blogspot.com/2024/09/theres-no-way-we-can-do-this-doors.html
Good article. Also a good appraisal of the band. I think the main thing that put me off with Jim was a bootleg collaboration album with Jimi Hendrix that he ruined with his drunken babble. Peace, Love and Flowers
DeleteAppreciate him at his best, forgive and forget him at his worst.
DeleteCertainly a wanker . . . after all, didn’t he get done for doing it on stage?
DeleteThe first two picks are difficult because I can’t decide who deserves the number one slot. But I have to make my decision, so here it is:
ReplyDelete1) Queen
2) Boston
3) The Eagles
I don’t actually detest The Eagles. I just find their music to be incredibly boring. No other group or musician bores me more, so that’s why I slotted them in position 3.
Gbrand
Your Top One is probably mine, too. Saintly Sir Freddie, keeping his AIDS a secret when an announcement could have done nothing but good. Boston? One blindingly great hit single doesn't make enough of a band to hate. The Eagles? They're pretty good.
DeleteI think it was a private thing, Freddie having AIDS. People don't respect privacy, then and now. The bollocks that it was up to him. When he died his confession did more good in one day than the whole Reagan/Thatcher administration did in their periods. Queen was great, they played outside their boxes. They rattled up a Ban over I Want To Break Free video. Great. The musical diversity in 1979-1981 Crazy Little Thing - Mustapha - Flash - Another One Bites The Dust - Save Me - Under Pressure. You still might hate them. I do love them
DeleteThe diversity of their output was equaled only by its sheer crapness. Queen was a show tune band, very much like Abba in that sense, and everything they recorded could have been from a "Rock Musical" written by Tim Rice and Andrew Lloyd Weber, and as authentic. This is not a good thing. Nor is keeping AIDS a secret. He could, and should, have done a lot of good as an educator while he was alive.
DeleteThe music revisionism about Abba is appalling. Weak europop of the lousiest kind. Until they became "hip", they were music for people who didn't like music. Reciprocally, I also dislike the music revisionism that has made Black Sabbath hip, as I liked them when it was mostly downer freaks and acid casualties who made their fandom, and normies into MY THINGS is unacceptable.
ReplyDeleteThis is driving me nuts. I'm certain a did a "Critical Re-assessment - ABBA" (still shit) piece, but I can't for the life of me find it. Shockingly horrible group, and in my Top Three. I quite like the first Sabs album, though but.
DeleteIn Rotational order depending on mood
ReplyDeleteABBA
Coldplay
Rush
Leave Rush aloooone!! LEAVETHEMALOOOONE!!!!
DeleteI always have done, where possible x
Delete*crosses arms, pouts*
Delete1) The Dave Clark(e) Five - dislike them so much I can't be bothered to check the spelling.
ReplyDelete2) Stereophonics
3) Billy Idol
Bubbling under - Pat Boone
What an imaginative and interesting choice the DC5 is! Kudos!
Delete1. Hootie & the Blowfish
ReplyDelete2. Imagine Dragons
3. Limp Bizkit
I don't know enough about these bands to comment. And I never will.
Delete1. Grateful Dead
ReplyDelete2. Rush
3. The Eagles
*punches pmac playfully on upper arm*
Deleteow!!!!!!
DeleteDon't make me get up offa this couch
DeleteFooey. He started it.
DeleteDecades ago, when my 2 kids were pre-teens, I was driving them and their mother to a week long stay at the beach in Fl. For some reason, the 2 of them started arguing loudly with each other, and continued to do so despite their mom's pleas to stop. I pulled the car off to the shoulder of the interstae and in a very low pitched, angry, voice, reminded them of the crazy ass things they got to do and that I otherwise could buy a beach house with the savings and then threatened to turn the car around and bring everyone home for a week of hell if the arguing did not immediately cease. To this day, both kids (now in their late 30s), remember that incident and tell me its the only time that they were afraid of me. And, while at the time I felt fully convinced that I acted properly, since then I feel nothing but remorse over it.
DeleteAnd, I punch you back in your arm, dear sir!
1. U2 2. The Police 3. Queen Pretentious & overrated the lot of 'em.
ReplyDeleteThe Police? There's a lot to hate about them (mainly "Sting", whose vanity could extinguish the sun), but I play their deep cuts with pleasure from time to time. "Every Breath You Take" isn't a deep cut, but it is a brilliant piece of music by any standards.
Delete1. Kiss 2. Kid Rock 3. Led Zeppelin
ReplyDeleteI kinda don't hate a small amount of Zep, and I quite enjoy Plant & Krauss, but please, those others?..buh-bye!
For your consideration:
ReplyDeleteQueen
Abba
The Velvet Underground
Oh yes! The Velvet Underground are probably the most overrated of all.
DeleteSneer.
Duncan
It can't be a coincidence they haven't made an album since this piece appeared:
Deletehttps://falsememoryfoam.blogspot.com/2024/11/sacred-cows-and-elephant-in-room-dept.html
Queen
ReplyDeleteKid Rock (does he even count?)
Led Zep
Did we miss the link?
DeleteIt's still in Assembly. I'm using the instigulator reel from the old KleppenhauserGMBH Veeblefetzer VF-5G, so the autoclaving process takes a little longer to reach the new bitrate threshold of @193.
DeleteOh, well that makes sense, now! If you had the Fliptoid reduction unit, you'd be able to do that without flanging, but that unit's been out of production since the Truman era. No rush!
DeleteYeah, yeah, Fliptoid schmiptoid.
Delete1. Kansas
ReplyDelete2. Emerson, Lake & Palmer
3. R.E.O. Speedwagon
unhonourable mention
Def Leppad
Dave Matthews Band
Hootie & the Blowfish
Kiss
Billy Idol
Osmonds
New Seekers (I do love the original one)
1. The Bay City Rollers
ReplyDelete2. Any pick N mix boy band starting with 'Take That'
3. The Spice Girls (I really really really wanna puke a lot)
And as a bonus at 4. "D:ream" (I hate that freaking song)
These are basically pop groups for little girls. Don't you hate any grown-up bands?
DeleteA friend in Seville was one of the drummers for The Bay City Rollers. He was hired to be the "bad boy" of the band, an image that he took to heart and then was summarily fired when he was caught with a white powdery substance and a very young woman in the group's tour bus. He did go on to a much more distinguished musical career, including stints with Fripp, Bowie and Sting (ok, maybe not that distinguished), all of whom had no issue with the bad boy so long as he could hold down the back beat.
DeleteThis Eric "Stumpy Joe" Childs, isn't it?
DeleteNope - I'll hold off naming the guy, but his initials are JG. He's now living the life of a millionaire, but not from his musical career. One of his kids is a real deal football player and has been in the Premier League for awhile.
DeleteI don't hate any bands. There are records that are not to my taste at this time. Some of my favorite records (now) are records I didn't like on first airing. I can articulate why I don't like a record; usually it's "This has been going on too long. Is there a single edit?"
ReplyDeleteYou're missing out on a lot of wholesome enjoyment. Also, this isn't about disliking records, it's about certain bands which through sheer force of personality and lack of talent give rise to unreasonable loathing,
Delete1 - Kiss - I was told they would be good live, they were not.
ReplyDelete2 - The Ramones - I was told they would be good live, they were not.
3 - Jefferson Starship - I thought they might be good live, they were not.
I’ve always disliked Simple Minds for some prejudicial reason, however I’ve never seen them live, and accidentally heard one of their early albums once and rather enjoyed it, so I left them out of my three choices.
Your reasons for H8Rness are sound. There's nothing like the feeling of betrayal, and being treated like a fool, when a vaunted act delivers a shit performance. I used to vaunt the Kinks until I saw them, and ever since I've wanted to slap Ray Davies in the face repeatedly with a squid.
DeleteI saw the Kinks in a small theatre in 1982 and they were good, but live at Glastonbury Festival in 1993 they put on a fantastic show - the under appreciated Come Dancing was a particular favorite that day.
DeleteBoy, there sure is a lot of Queen hate going in here, no doubt to the delight of the host of these shenanigans.
ReplyDeleteSo just to be contrarian and annoy our venerable host:
Captain Beefheart.
In Greil Marcus' words: "What is this shit?"
That's fine, OBG. There are those fortunate enough to have seen the light, and those who still writhe around in the dirt at our feet.
DeleteP.S. Venerable host, you are in fine old school form in your piece, though.
ReplyDeleteComments are pretty good, too.
Delete"Dolly-bird" made me laugh. I would love to work it into a future conversation without getting punched. OBG is right - you are in fine form.
ReplyDelete1.Hermans Hermits ruins a good radio show too often,
ReplyDeleteProclaimers ear worm champions of nonsense,
Sex Pistols ruined a decade of musos who copied this marketing smudge and made listening to radio a visit to Chiro as I reached for anything to turn it down or off and rooned a pleasant morning.
Terrific choices, Reedsman! Herman's Hermits are the Dave Clark Five's equal in slappability terms, plus the unwanted bonus of freckles. The Proclaimers exemplify Scottish culture to perfection, and as such deserve a good horse-whipping. The Sex Pistols are just a big fucking nuisance, as fake as The Clash, and basically the Monkees of punk. The Punkees? Only without the good times and good songs. Malcolm McLaren and Vivienne Westwood are a couple of prize scumbags.
Deletethe osmonds
ReplyDeleteall black metal bands
paul mccartney's wings
and of course queen
...woody
ANON RF: 1. Bread; 2. Air Supply; 3. Freddie & The Dreamers (particularly on TV)
ReplyDeleteFATD is another UK group, like the DC5 and HH, to get more love in the US than the UK. Baffling.
DeleteAll of these are diabolical:
ReplyDeleteStatus Quo
Journey
Madness
Supertramp
Coldplay
Sorry, but because you can't count I have to lean in to this futuristic microphone and press the red button.
Delete"Kill him ..."
ANON RF: Starting to wonder about that there missing link....
ReplyDeleteI've been waiting for a Matching Mole torrent to download. It's now landed so I'll roll my sleeves up and kickstart the veeblefetzer.
DeleteANON RF: Merci mon ami
Delete1. Bring Me The Horizon (Sheffield EMO-ish tooth-grinding youth-mental-health-crisis insufferability)
ReplyDelete2. Eminem (his whiney scrotey grievance-driven egotistic shit over loops of bits of 'Buffy The Vampire Slayer' helped make me walk out of a job)
3. a prospective supergroup of those two twats out of the Eagles, Lindsey Buckingham, Mike Ratledge and some kind of tribute to PIL's 'Metal Box'.
"Mental health issues" are the driving motivation for most contemporary music. If you can bear it, read the reviews at exystence. Bereavement, suicide attempts, self-harm, various forms of depression, are all seen as valid inspiration and qualifications for making music. One recent album (came and went in a flash, as they all do) was called "Too Sad For My Friends" and could have been a parody of the form.
DeleteFun is no longer a thing for the young, which is a damn shame.
A very typical example from today's selection at exystence:
Delete"With lives as cynical as all those born between 1990 and 2010 are predestined to have, and as tragic as our short-lived beauties often find themselves, it’s a wonder some people find the time to uplift each other. On jasmine.4.t‘s debut record, You Are the Morning, it’s often accomplished by Jasmine Cruickshank uplifting herself first. In a sad world that expresses its hopes in oblique ironies, my soul leaps out for the simple sincerity of her music. The forces encircling her messages of gender acceptance and self-actualisation may be moustache-twirlingly evil, but jasmine.4.t is a righteous silver bullet."
File under: pop.
Jeez
DeleteOn top of all the other stuff they've got on their plates da yoof get buckets of this tipped over them hourly too. If you weren't flakey to start with you could easily become so.
DeleteDuring the Great Depression, the Wall St. Crash, and two World Wars, pop music was a continuing source of positive energy; entertainment, dance, the raising of spirits. What the fuck happened? Young musicians are "featuring their pain" (as Zappa said) and the sadder they are, the more empathy they get. I have a daily scroll through imgur, which is like a mood ring for US youth. Memes about isolation, depression, and hopelessness are common.
DeleteI don’t wish to make light of the mental health issues of the young - and I don’t have kids myself - but if they spent a bit more time in the real world (ie away from their smartphones), maybe their anxiety would be reduced. Some of my contemporaries have kids, and many are doing just great, but it is noticeable that more YPOT are isolated and struggling mentally and socially. Also worryingly in the UK they are often unable to afford to live away from their parents, renting in most towns and cities is really expensive here. We are desperate for builders, plumbers, electricians etc, but many young people went to university to study modern subjects, jobs now being taken by AI, maybe they would have been better off as apprentices in a practical job. Or hope to be the next Charlie XCX or Ed Sheeran - sorry I don’t know the names of any other musicians from this century.
DeleteGood point about plumbers. If there was ever a profession that needed to be monopolised by intelligent and efficient robots, it's plumbing.
DeleteYay! Here it is, sure to cheer our bad selves right up!
ReplyDeletehttps://workupload.com/file/vxH847gxSP5
Thanks for the Medley O' Melody™, I'll play it next time my ex pops round. Oh darn, I forgot she hates me playing any music when she pops round.
ReplyDeleteMy first ex was pretty hip about music (for a *girl*), my second never knowingly made any kind of musical choice in her life, and my third wife knows nothing and cares less, and that's the best. The Beatles, Dylan, Presley - anybody, everybody - don't mean zip. What a beautiful state of mind. She's also pretty deaf, so I can play what I want when I want.
DeleteClearly I'm a little late to this particular Two Minute Hate but I'm damned if I'm going to miss out.
ReplyDelete1/ Kanye or Yeezy or whatever. Do I really need to explain that?
2/ Coldplay. The ne plus ultra of banal. Like having your every orifice stuffed with cotton wool and then being suspended in tepid cream of chicken soup. Only not so stimulating.
3/ Jonathan King. Oozed smug self-righteousness from every pore and left a trail of it like a slug's in whatever clever clever guise or wheeze he was adopting this week.
I do feel better for that cathartic unburdening. Lets do it again sometime.
Dr D.
Here again we see a 4/5g© creating original and stimulating content to curate the narrative, going forward!
DeleteTHANK YOU FOR YOUR ATTENTION IN THIS MATTER.
I'm going to tally these results in a Top Three O' Top Threes, for the definitive judgement.
ReplyDelete